A Sister I’ll Never Have

I’ve never shared the story of the life my siblings have lived. I’m not talking about my dad’s daughter’s….. I’m talking about the siblings that came from my mom. The siblings I always considered my “real” siblings…. almost like we were full blooded. But we’re not, and I’ve learned that actually means something.

I really loved them, and sadly when they were only 5 & 6 they went to live with their father and I didn’t see them until my brother was 12 and then my sister came around again when she was 14. When they came back the weird thing is it was almost like they had never left. I loved them so much and my sister became my best friend.  

The sad thing is that love from her was extremely conditional. She’s the type of girl that if you don’t agree with her, or piss her off in some way she can go the rest of her life never talking to you again…. and I guess she’s okay living like that. I don’t have a relationship with her anymore, and sadly it was he said, she said bullshit regarding her oh so wonderful boyfriend. One thing I’ve tried really hard to do is walk on egg shells around her, even when I don’t agree with her decisions…. I keep my mouth shut. Sadly, the inevitable happened and we no longer have a relationship. Not my choice…. her’s. Did it hurt? HELL YES! She was my sister and she has chosen to believe crap over what her own flesh and blood says.

I think the funniest thing about her beginning this feud with me is that she in turn went to befriend people that I wasn’t getting along with. People she HATED and talked the most insane crap about…. by the way, because I defended them that gave her a reason to distance herself from me. But now we have a new best friendship that’s formed and I can’t laugh hard enough. I for one know that if I don’t like somebody one day I sure as hell am not going to like them the next. She has no identity. Unfortunately her childhood was so screwed up that she doesn’t truly know who she is.

My opinions on people don’t change like that. If I like you one day, I will probably love you the rest of my life whether you’re in it or not. I’ve never had a friend that I don’t consider a friend of mine today. It’s the way I’ve always been. In high school I was choosy on my friends, because once you become a friend of mine I’ll move mountains for you….. even if we recently had a stupid spat all it takes is one phone call asking for me to be there and you bet your ass I’m RIGHT THERE! Family, not so much. I’m always there, but I’ve learned that I actually have to really shield my heart from them. I’ve never really had to shield my heart from a friend. They’ve always come in when the whole world has gone out, and that’s why friends to me mean so much more. I don’t have to walk on egg shells with them. My family…. I do.

So, I know a lot of people have their sister as their maid of honor at their wedding, and I chose not to. I chose the one person who has been solid in my life since I was in preschool…. whether I moved across the country or not, and in my eyes that makes her more a sister to me than my own blood, who is so quick to throw away what I would think is one of the most important relationships you can have.

It’s taken me a while to accept the fact that I will never have a relationship with my sister. Her children will never know mine, and my children will never know of her’s. I’m not going to teach my children about family that isn’t really family.

I’m not perfect. I’m not sitting her saying that I’m any better than Jessica. I’ve grown A LOT since I was 25 ~ every year I discover more and more about who I am, and what things and people mean to me. Even in the past 6 months I feel like I’ve grown to just not even care about the b/s that goes on anymore. I just have discovered that life is way too short, and negative energy towards people that I actually love is not worth it. And if they choose to be a part of my life and my children’s life then GREAT! But if they choose not to, then that’s their deal. I know that I’m a wonderful person who only ever wants to help my friends and family in any way I can. Those who are a part of my world and my life know this, and if you’re not a part of my world and my life anymore, then I’m sure you know that when you were that’s all I ever was for you…. somebody who you could ALWAYS rely on.

So while I’m not perfect, I’m going to continue nourishing the relationships in my life that matter, loving the people who are in my world, and always praying for those who aren’t. I’m grateful for the wonderful friends and few family members that I do have. I do have 2 sisters that come from my dad that I have really gotten to grow to love. I am beyond blessed to have the friends that I do have in my life. Some I’ve had since I was a little girl, and other’s just in the past couple of years… but they are nothing short of amazing…. and you all know who you are.

So, I have to let go… and this rambling post wasn’t so much for my awesome readers, but more for me. I needed to get this out and put this to rest. I need to accept the fact that I don’t have my sister anymore….. in fact, she’s not my sister. I will always love her to death, but that doesn’t give her the title of being my sister. Blood doesn’t mean anything to me, when you can actually walk away from me. Hell, if it did then I’d actually call the sperm donor guy my dad HAHA…. that’ll NEVER happen!

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5 comments to A Sister I’ll Never Have

  • purseblogger

    Aw Amanda, I'm so sorry this has happened. She is totally losing out on a wonderful relationship with you and your kids. You are an amazing girl and I love your attitude about this! So glad we have met and are friends. :) xoxo

  • Michelle Pixie

    I think our friends are just the family we get to choose. Just because they are family doesn't always mean they are the best for us. She is really the one that is missing out and I can't even imagine what all that bitterness that she carries around is doing to her life. Your friends are very blessed to have you!

  • Tish

    I have never had brothers or sisters that I grew up with,my brother is 20 years older than me and we never grew up together.I love him very much,but we arent close because of the age gap.I never wanted a brother or sister until I was older.Now I wish so much I had a sister to go hang out with.I have great lifetime friends that are just like sisters which I treasure!!I cant imagine not ever speaking to them over a fight!I cant even fathom not speaking to your own sibling forever.They are a gift from God,that we are very privileged to have in our lives.It would have to be something extremely bad they would have to do to me in order not to speak again!! Unfortunately.I see this happen in a lot of familiies and it is something I will never understand.Holding a grudge is such a prideful thing,and takes too much energy than learning to forgive.

  • Julia

    It's sad when family members make these choices – and hard. You are amazing for rising above,I know many who would get into the drama and pettiness.

    By the way we just got out to Ohio last week – too bad we didn't get to meet up before we left, but maybe someday! 😀

  • Kristin

    You have no idea!!! Seriously, girl!

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