25 Weeks, 4 Days & what used to be a Due Date


Today was my due date for the baby I lost in January of this year. It’s weird to me how both Ella & this baby’s pregnancy came right after the loss of another baby. Going to the doctor to find out that your baby has passed away is one of the most excruciating pains that I have ever experienced, and I’ve gone through it now twice.

I do believe that our trials and challenges in life help us to grow as a person. I do believe that while at the time of certain tragedies we don’t quite understand why, but I do believe there is a purpose. My first baby girl, Mya, who only made it to 18 weeks 4 days, mended my broken marriage. God sent her to us to bring us back together, since we had fallen so far apart. We were on the brink of divorce, and Mya changed that. She made it so that Ella was conceived out of love, out of a family that may have been broken at one time but because of Mya was stronger than it had ever been. Without losing Mya I’d have no Ella…. I can’t imagine. Ella has so much life, so much beauty to her.

The baby that was due today made it to 8 weeks. It grew to 8 weeks, I saw it’s heart beat, I started to love it. And then… it was taken from me. I cried, I mourned, I let myself feel the feelings I needed to feel, and then I talked to God. I told God I understand that there is a reason that this baby was not meant to say hello to this world. God knew what he was doing, because not even 2 months later he filled up my womb and my heart with this precious baby girl that I’m carrying now.

I haven’t blogged extremely much about this pregnancy. I haven’t taken weekly belly shot pictures this pregnancy. This pregnancy seems fake to me. I don’t know why, but I think the fact that I’m adding another beautiful member to my family doesn’t seem real.

A lot of times I’ll just be sitting here and I literally forget in my brain that I’m pregnant. Then, she kicks. She nudges me reminding me that there’s a little person inside of my body that will soon be filling up my heart with smiles and coos. She kicks and she nudges to remind me that SHE’S REALLY THERE and she’s going to fill up my arms in only a few very, short months.

Earlier this week we went to visit a friend who just had a baby girl. Everything about her was so little, so new, so precious. My children got to hold her. Ella got to hold her and watching Ella’s eyes light up warmed my soul to the very dang core! I cannot wait to see her with her baby sister.

We still have not named her. My babies are always named clear in the beginning of the pregnancy. This time, I just can’t decide. We have a few different options, Lyla Lee, Reese Lee, Amia Lee, Amia Reese ~ I have a feeling she won’t be named until we meet her.

I might not yet know this baby girl’s name, but what I do know is that she’s a part of me. She’s another piece to the puzzle of my family’s happiness. I do know that her arrival is being greatly anticipated by all of the members of her loving family that can’t wait to kiss her sweet face.

I’m 25 weeks and 4 days today. I’m feeling wonderful, I have my appetite back, I’m starting to really show. I think I’ve been getting emotional lately and might even have a tad of a mean streak in me, because things that didn’t bother me before irritate the crap out of me now. I don’t have much longer to go and then our home will be filled again with the beautiful sound of a newborn baby crying.

2 comments to 25 Weeks, 4 Days & what used to be a Due Date

  • I totally know where you are coming from.. although it’s been over a year since we lost our 3rd baby and God has decided not to bless us with another child as of yet. And I don’t know if he ever will.

    I’ve had to accept that He is in charge not me. Perhaps the experience was just meant to change my life, ultimately I may never know what the purpose was but I’m alive, I’m healthy and I have two beautiful children. In that I will find happiness.
    Tina @ MadHatterMom recently posted..My Guilty Pleasure

    • Amanda

      Tina, sometimes God’s timing definitely isn’t on the timing that we like or want, but usually there is some deep meaning behind it. I hope that you are blessed with another baby. Losing a baby is just plain out hard.

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