Smile on my face…… and a really full heart

My house is quiet.  The only sounds are the Adele pandora station – and that’s it.  I sucked as a mom today.  There was a lot of TV watching, a lot of… give me a minute, give me a minute, give me a minute.

With this quietness, I kinda want to rewind.  I want to sit on the floor and forget about everything I’ve put off for days while I’ve been going through my miscarriage, and put one more day off…. one more day to just give them 110% of me.

I don’t like mommy guilt.

I don’t like mommy guilt one dang bit!

I need to be better about time allocation, and making sure that before anything… my kids feel like they have their mama’s attention whenever they need it.  I read a quote on Pinterest the other day that I can’t stop thinking about.  A quote that is so dang true, and I needed the reminder…. isn’t it funny how Pinterest can do that for you?

Right?! There are so many times I read some sort of parenting quote on Facebook and I just cringe inside, because I think…..crap, I so suck. BUT I don’t – I need to remind myself that it’s hard to be at home with your children 100% of the time. There are times that you have to step aside and take care of the things that you have to take care of. I think my struggles lately have come from the fact that every time I DO try to sit down and get some work done, my girls are in my face not letting me….. they don’t like to play. I DON’T GET IT! Ella wants to constantly be doing things I’m doing and she has this world of amazing toys, and she doesn’t want to touch them. So then I feel guilty, and then I start to question myself as a parent when I’m like….. MOVIE TIME!!!!! I need to get the heck over it, because I watched a hell of a lot of TV, and guess what…. I’m okay. These kids aren’t constantly in front of a TV, but when you are home 100% of the time, it’s OKAY to stick a movie on and get some dang work done!

Okay…. so, here’s my deal right now. My blog has been an issue for me.

I got REALLY, and I mean REALLY caught up in the blogging for others. I of course wanted readers, and cared what people thought, and was careful about what I blogged about…. and then I just stopped. I stopped blogging. That’s not okay with me, because blogging is therapeutic to me.

So – I’ve sortof gotten to that point where I NEED to blog again…. I need to pour my heart out and let it be for me. If my blog post inspires you, GREAT – that makes me happy, but if it only inspires me, or soothes me… that’s okay. That’s what this blog is for. For me.

SO – expect more regular postings, because I have blog guilt lately too – I feel like Aliyah’s entire life has passed by and I haven’t blogged hardly a single thing.

I’ve had this desire in me to write lately. My family has always said I should write a book, but I struggle with this…. I can’t imagine myself writing a fictional novel. I LOVE reading my fictional books, and live to read all of my indie author’s books {I actually don’t read anything else anymore}, but that’s not me. I imagine myself writing an inspirational book – a book to inspire people to push themselves to try a little harder and boost their quality of life, because it’s in them. I have the words… I know they’re there. But I’M just not there yet. So, in the meantime, I’ll put it all here. Maybe become obsessed with slam poetry and start going to live slam poetry readings, because goodness it’s amazing stuff.

I might have just gone through a really hard tragedy, but I feel so dang blessed right now. I have a smile on my face, and a really full heart.

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