Category Archives: Life

My Life is Changing

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We have a lot going on this week. Tomorrow is church and I HAVE to go. I have so much to do, but I think in order to get through everything that lies ahead of us this week we HAVE to go to church. I need the strength.

1 year and 2 months ago we ventured off on our own away from our families. Meaning, my mom, my brother & sister and Gino’s entire family. We left them all to focus on us and to give our children a better life. I personally don’t believe that raising your kids in Sacramento is the smartest thing in the world to do.

This past year we’ve grown into a family that is startling everyone that knows us. I think that being by ourselves (my dad and his family that live here really haven’t been around much) we’ve become people that we want to be. We’ve found what our purpose is, and we’re happy with ourselves.

This week my Grandma and Norm (who is like my Grandpa) are moving here. She’s rented a place in Ashland and Norm is going into an assisted living apartment/retirement community that is really a great place. I work for them. They do so much for us, and I’m excited and nervous for the road that lays ahead. I think that they both really need this. They used to live in a miserable town where there was no happiness and now they’ll find some. I really could use the help. Sometimes it’s extremely hard to get my work done, because let’s face it, Ella is DEMANDING! I love this little girl to death, but sometimes I can’t work, because she wants to be a part of it. So, it will be nice to have help with her.

This is life changing. I don’t do well with change and am hoping that I can adjust quickly to having family around again. I’m staying positive and I think that if I stay positive it will be a positive situation. Right?

Norm needs this. Norm is in his final years and needs to be away from his businesses and needs to live life for himself. He packed up his home that he’s lived in for the past 45 years and has chosen to live by me. That’s an honor. It’s an honor that he loves me as much as he does. He’s an amazing man and I wouldn’t even know where to begin. It’s going to be a lot of work though, because he’s needy. I don’t want him to think I’m throwing him in a home and leaving him there, so we as a family are going to make it a point to get him out 5 days/week. Even if it’s just a walk in the park.

Another person is moving here this week as well. I’ve talked many times about my dad’s daughters. First there’s Tiona, who’s 9 and I really have resentment issues with. Then there’s Alyssa who is 15 and just moved here from San Diego w/her mom last November. I’ve started baby steps with her this past week and so far things are going great. She even stayed the night last night and Jayden spent the day with her at her house. I haven’t talked about the 3rd and final sister from my father yet.

Britney is 18 years old. I think – she might be 17 and turning 18 this year… ugh I think she’s 18. Anyways, I found out she’s moving here with her family and will be leaving Tennessee on Tuesday. My dad will have all 4 of his daughters living here. I don’t know what to think. It’s taking me a lot to start with Alyssa and now to have another one coming around, and she’s different. I don’t mean that in a bad way, it’s just I don’t see how we’ll have anything in common. This will be a challenge.

Like I said…. I REALLY need to go to church tomorrow.

Having all these sisters is so weird to me. Growing up I only had 1 sister, and in my heart that’s all I think I can ever love as a sister. A sister to me isn’t thrown on you as an adult, but someone who you grow up with. I haven’t even discussed the story of my sister, brother (from my mom) and me, but someday I will. We didn’t always live with each other, but we’ve always ALWAYS had a very strong bond. I may not have the same father as them, but the bond that we have with each other is strong. I love them so much.

I have to stay strong, because there’s a reason why my life is changing this week. I have to believe that there’s a reason why I’m about to be surrounded by family that I haven’t been surrounded by.

A Scattered Thought

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The following is something I wrote earlier and thought I would use it as my Works for me Wednesday post. ~~~

As a parent we make mistakes. It’s what happens and I believe that there is a reason that we as parents make mistakes. Not only for us to learn from so we can do better with the next, but also for our children to learn from them, and apply them to their lives AS THEY SEE FIT.

I’ve been having some thoughts lately that I feel I need to get out. So here it goes, and this is not directed toward any person – it’s just some values I’ve been learning as I’ve been growing. I believe that opinions you have on someone should stay to yourself. I do not believe that pushing your opinions, your values and how you think things should be is going to help. While we all learn from our parents mistakes we have to live life to learn from our own as well.

Marriage is a sacred bond between 2 people. 2 people. Not 3, not 4 and definitely not between all the parents, inlaws, grandparents, aunts, uncles – you get my drift. I believe that if a marriage is in trouble, leave it be. If the married couple wants to split that’s their choice. If the married couple is happy with their troubled marriage, let it be. If they’re happier than anyone you know, let it be. Do not talk about them to others. Let their situation be their situation. If they come to you to cry, to rant, to rave listen. Don’t tell them what you think has to be done, just listen. We all need to cry, rant & rave, but we don’t want to hear negativity of our own situations from others, and we definitely don’t want others to turn around and gossip.

If someone makes a decision for their lives that you believe is stupid or irresponsible, let it be. Keep your opinion to yourself, because it’s their life. It’s their dreams, it’s what they want. Most importantly, don’t go and talk about it with other people. Gossip is not good. Gossip destroys trust. Gossip destroys your soul, and I’m starting to realize this.

If you have an opinion on someone else’s life keep it to yourself, unless they ask for it. If someone calls you and needs someone to talk to, please listen and not judge.

I’m saying these things, because I feel sad when I hear people talking about other people’s marriages. I wouldn’t like that done to me, and I hope it never happens. We have to live life for ourselves and not for others.

Many people have actually suggested that I get my tubes tied since my IUD is going to be taken out. That offends me. That is by far the most personal decision that anyone will ever make and there is no way I’m going to do that. To me, having kids, not having kids and marriage issues are personal and outsiders should not have a say. I know this is all a little scattered, but I’ve grown into a person that is independent. I’ve come a long way and actually used to HAVE to have my mommy close by. If I was sick I was on her door step crying. For me to pick up and move and see how life is when you are by yourself, raising your family I have learned how important it is to not drag others into your situations. That is a huge step for me and I’m proud of myself. I’m happier this way and I hope that our family will be happy with any decisions that we make as a married couple and strong, solid family, because whatever decisions WE make in life is for us and not everyone else.

OK, I feel really good for getting that out.

For other WFMW posts check out Shannon’s Blog

Starting your day out right….

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It’s another week of Works for Me Wednesday. I’m sitting here looking around my living room and it looks like a tornado has flipped through it. I’m exhausted and wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed. I look over at my kitchen, and my counters are filled with dishes from dinner and the day since I was busy trying to get work done & dealing with a high maintenance baby, and once again, nobody thought to put THEIR dish in the dishwasher.

My entire house is asleep and I can’t help but sit on my butt and treasure the silence. I don’t want to clean my house and I know that when I wake up in the morning if I walk down those stairs and I get one glimpse of what I’m staring at right now I won’t only have claws for the entire day, but not one thing will go right for me. Instead of spending the beginning of my day being organized and happy, sipping my coffee (YES I STILL DRINK COFFEE) I will be mad. I will not be able to start work, because I will be having to clean up my house. Then, my entire schedule will be completely messed up and then I’ll get depressed, because the things that I actually HAD to do did not get done. All because I woke up to a messy house.

So, what works for me is getting off my butt and making sure that my kitchen and my living room are presentable so that when I wake up and I walk down those stairs I can have a smile on my face.

Now, I have to actually go and do this unfortunately.

To read about what works for other’s go to Shannon’s blog.

FOR THE BLOGGY GIVEAWAY CLICK HERE

Ramblings On Me

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It’s the stake conference at church today and we’re not going. I really did want to go, but I really didn’t want to make Jayden sit through that for 2 hours. Not to mention, 1 hour of Sacrament meeting with Ella is hard enough, 2 hours is unthinkable. I am sad though that I’m missing out on all of the great talks they’ll be having today.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with this whole hormone issue that I’m having. I’ve lost all patience and I know that it’s effecting my family. Yesterday I freaked out on Gino for the mere fact that he didn’t get Jayden’s new fish aquarium ready the prior day so that we could go get the fish. Then I freaked out because Ella was whining and I needed a break. He chose to go and get the fish aquarium ready instead of take Ella and that made me even more mad. That is psychotic. I’m flipping over the stupidest things and I just want to feel normal again. This was all on his lunch break, which he should have been able to come home and relax, instead he had to deal with his hormonal wife. I did end up taking Gaba Ease as soon as he left and it was like a reformation…. you’d think I was bipolar.

I’m on day 2 of taking my progesterone, and I think I might feel a little bit different today. Gino’s been playing GTA4 all morning, and I’m not feeling the normal fury that I do feel when he plays. So, we just might be having some progress here.

I don’t want to get irritated with everyone the way I have been. I want the patience that my family deserves, and I hope that we all see a difference in me soon. If these progesterone pills don’t change the way I’ve been, then I’m probably going to have to make the decision to take out the Mirena IUD. I’d hate to do that, because at this point I don’t want to be prone to having any more kids. I’m not very good at taking other forms of birth control, and an oops baby just wouldn’t work.

I think today I might need to do some major scripture reading and prayer. Going to church always makes me feel so much better, but since we don’t have that today I need to do some personal scripture study. That probably means that the BOM blog will be updated today.

Inspriation from Gordon B. Hinckley….

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“I hope you will not nag yourselves with thoughts of failure, I hope you will not try to set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. I hope you will simply do what you can do in the best way you know how. If you do so, you will witness miracles come to pass.”

I came across this quote from the late President Gordon B. Hinckley and I think it’s exactly what I needed to read today. I have an entire kitchen table with files and papers and a ton of stuff that I need to do and a part of me wants to turn the other direction and RUN, but I need to not set a goal of accomplishing everything. I need to go and set a timer for 15 minutes and start there. Whatever I get done in that 15 minutes I will be satisfied with. I will feel like I have conquered something and I will feel good about it. If I have it in me I’ll continue on, and I bet I will. Tomorrow morning I will wake up and I will read this quote again and then I will go with a positive attitude and conquer what I’ve put off.

I’m a Mormon Mom!

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As I sat around today at the park with other moms I had a brief moment of panic run through my veins. Golly George, people, I’m a mom. I actually pack a diaper bag and tote my kids from play dates to piano lessons and I have baby that if I don’t pay attention to her for a brief second she will fall on her head! I promise before these last play dates, Ella’s never fallen on her head! Ella, if you’re reading this and you’re brain’s a little slow I’m so sorry!

I know that half the population in Sacramento just might think they’re having brain spasms if they knew that my play dates were with MORMONS! Guess what, Sacramento, I actually have more fun at Mormon play dates than I did stuck on I-80 in rush hour traffic trying to come home in time to eat dinner and then say good-night to my child who I wouldn’t even get to really spend any time with until the weekend.

I love the new life I chose. With every new decision that I make towards bettering my family and my soul I’m even fall more in love with the new life I chose.

P.S. I Love You

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We sat down last night to watch this movie and I had already fallen in love with these characters as I had read the book. I cried from the beginning til the end. I’ve been having issues with death as it is and I really think I shouldn’t have watched this movie. I think it all started when Robert died. I began dwelling on death. I’m scared of someone I love dieing. I’m scared to die and leave the ones I love. I can’t even fathom the idea of not having my husband next to me. He’s my best friend. When something bad happens, it’s Him I go to. When something good happens, it’s Him I go to. I never want to lose Him. I love Him.

I know that none of us make it out of this world alive. It’s all in God’s hands and I know things will get better for me in this department as my faith is grows. As my testimony grows.

As for the movie, they butchered the book. It was a wonderful movie and I really did love it, but the book is 100 times better – but isn’t that always the case?

Marriage

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Over the past year I’ve grown so much more closer to my husband that I’ve ever been in our entire relationship. I wasn’t married when I got pregnant. I didn’t even get married until our son was 2 1/2. And even still I can say that I don’t think we were ready to get married. Many people say that there’s no difference. People use the ‘We’re basically married’ card. ‘Oh, it’s just a piece of paper.’ There was a time in my life where I was just like those people. I didn’t understand marriage. Life moved so fast for us before that I never stopped to appreciate or really understand marriage.

Over the past few months it seems like my marriage is not only growing stronger and stronger AND STRONGER, but I’m really grasping what a wonderful thing marriage is. It’s such an amazing feeling to know that we are here for each other. We are here to be best friends. I feel so lucky to be in a marriage that has gone through so much. We’ve been at low points, points that people actually get divorced over. We stuck it out. There have been times that I was not in love with my husband. But I stuck it out. I know there have been times when he was not madly in love with me. But he stuck it out. Isn’t that the point of marriage. Isn’t that why we say “For better or worse?” I am so happy that we can look back on all of our hardships and put a smile on our faces, because we are now at a point in life where we are so happy with each other. We were talking yesterday how divorce is never going to be an option for us. Gino told me about how there’s some famous person who recently passed away and the first date he ever went on was with his wife. They stayed married forever. Some interviewer asked him if they ever considered divorce. He says, “Never divorce, murder, but never divorce.” I thought that was so funny.

I love that my husband is my best friend. I love that we have so many things in common. I love that he loves me for who I am. I love him. I will always love him – even when I fall out of love with him, I’m just going to hang on for that moment that I fall in love with him all over again. The journey of marriage is one of the most exciting journeys in this lifetime. I love it. I love being married. I love learning everyday that marriage is not just a piece of paper, but one of the strongest bonds between humans.

Never got to say hello – and never said goodbye

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Today I feel like sharing a story about our baby that never got to say hello or goodbye. It all started on May 23, 2006. I took a pregnancy test at work and saw 2 lines. I was so happy! My sister was 1 month pregnant and it was so exciting that we were going to be pregnant together. Our babies were going to be best friends. Our due dates were 2 weeks apart and we always joked that we would deliver on the same day. Feeling this baby move inside of me was amazing. With every kick and every flutter I grew more and more attached and my love for this baby kept getting stronger and stronger. Jayden, being an only child for 4 1/2 years was so excited to finally have a sibling. I heard her heart beat and it was strong and it was amazing. I even recorded it w/my phone since Gino couldn’t make it to the appointment.

September 5, 2006 I went in for my regular scheduled prenatal appointment. Keep in mind that the night before as I lay on my bed watching Prison Break I could feel this baby moving all around. September 5, 2006 was a Tuesday. I had an appointment that Friday w/the Ultrasound techs to find out what my baby was and of course to make sure she was growing strong. On this Tuesday I was wearing my green tank top babydoll type maternity shirt from The Gap. I’ll never forget it for some reason. I lay there on the table and the doctor was searching for the baby’s heartbeat. He said, “I think I hear movement in there, but I just can’t catch a heart beat. How about we go over and do a quick ultrasound to check everything.” He left the room and I was so excited! I called my mom and Gino and told them both that I was going to ultrasound and I’d call them as soon as I know the sex. The thought of my baby being dead never crossed my mind. I finally get in and am laying on the table staring up at the screen anxious to see my baby. However, my baby wasn’t moving at all. I looked at the doctor and he actually had tears in his eyes. My heart dropped. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I called my husband and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I had never felt such pain in my life. We had an appointment with RAS, which does high tech ultrasounds to confirm the demise. Demise. What a horrible, ugly word. That’s what the referral paper said on it. Before I left my doctor’s appointment I was told that I have options. I can either have my labor induced or I can be put to sleep and they’d basically going in like a D&C and take my baby out that way. I couldn’t wrap my thoughts around either option.

I came home and my mom had pulled up to my house the same time I did and she just hugged me and we cried. I walked into my house and my husband had made tacos. It was the most awkward, horrible night. We still clung on to some hope that our baby was okay. That the ultrasound machine was just old and crappy and it was wrong. The next morning we woke up and went to our appointment. A really good friend of mine worked there and was staying optimistic, saying that there’s still a chance. As I layed there getting the ultrasound she was in the room, and she walked out with tears in her eyes. At that moment, I knew. My world was shattered. My baby was gone. How could this happen to me? To us? Why would God take my baby away from me.

I made my decision to be put to sleep and have my baby taken out that way. I didn’t want to go through the emotional effects on giving birth to a baby that had no life to it. I didn’t go in until Friday, September 8, 2006. I had to have my baby inside of me all that time from Tuesday-Friday dead. I showed up to where the doctors told me to go, which was right across the street from the hospital. It was the abortion clinic. I walked in and was so disgusted. While I was there wishing with all of my heart that I had my baby, there were girls there killing theirs. While I believe to each their own, I am not for abortion. I hated myself for the decision I had made. I hated that my baby was just going to be thrown away like all of these other babies. When I walked in the nurses took me straight to the back to sit with another nurse. I was a “special case” and was to be kept away from the others who were there willingly. My husband could not stay with me. I decided that I needed to get ahold of a funeral home to come and pick up my baby. I was not about to throw her away. So, I felt a little more peace with that decision. We named Mya Marie and had her cremated. I have a heart urn necklace that I wear close to my heart with some of her ashes in it.

It took me a while to face my sister. I loved her and I was truly happy for her, but I hated that she had her baby and I didn’t have mine. She was still pregnant and I wasn’t. She went on to give birth January 26, 2007 to a healthy, beautiful baby boy who is my favorite nephew.

It’s been 1 year 6 months 1 day since we lost our baby girl and Jayden still talks about his sister Mya. He still prays to Heavenly Father and asks him to watch over her and make sure she doesn’t fall on the clouds. She is a strong part of our family and I love her as much as I love my other 2 living babies.

I’ve learned a strong lesson through the loss of a baby. I was blessed 3 months later with a positive pregnancy test. August 14, 2007 I was blessed with a beautiful baby girl. We named her Ella Marie – Marie is after her big sister that she’ll meet someday in heaven. The lesson that I’ve learned is that sometimes we don’t understand why God does the things he does. We’re not supposed to understand. If I didn’t lose Mya, I wouldn’t have Ella. It makes me happy to know that when I am called to come home to heaven that I will have a precious soul waiting for me. I will finally get to say hello and will never have to say goodbye.

Happiness Shattered in 1 Second

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It amazes me how we can go through life doing our routines when something out of the middle of nowhere can shatter your happiness in literally 1 second. I feel like that happened to me tonight. I know that what I’m about to say doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, but it’s huge to me. My husband has worked graveyard for our entire relationship. We’ve known no different. I mentioned before about how he will be moving to days. I wasn’t sure how I felt about this, but it’s grown on me. His new schedule was going to be 4am-1pm Tues-Sat. It was the perfect schedule! Jayden gets out of school @ 12:30pm so we’d have all day together. Tonight my husband called me to tell me that he checked the schedule and he’s scheduled for 3pm-midnight starting 3/10/08. I LOST IT! I was hysterical on the phone. My poor husband thought I’d be happy and I wasn’t. See, he failed to look at the biggest con to this whole thing. Jayden has had his daddy all day his whole life. You can’t rip that away from a child. You can’t go from having your dad around all day to only seeing him 1 1/2 hours a day. Jayden gets home from school at around 1pm. Gino would have to leave the house at 2:45pm. They’d never see each other and it’s not gonna work. Gino is going to have to go in there and tell them that we based our lives around this new change. Going away from graveyard was a big enough burden on us, but now they’ve changed what was originally planned. It’s not going to work. I will not have this big of a change happen to our son. As I was talking about tonight, Jayden’s already having problems this will make them SO much worse.

Please pray that something happens here. I wouldn’t even mind Gino working 8am-5pm….anything but 3-midnight. That is the worse shift EVER! And I was just getting into cooking dinners and OMG I am so depressed about this.