I have a couple of voice mail’s and emails checking on me…. I didn’t realize it had been so long LOL. Time flies when you’re having fun!
I’m okay. I’ve been on vacation and started it in Reno and arrived in Sacramento today to do my sister’s baby shower tomorrow.
Sunday we’ll be on our way home and will be stopping by Gino’s parents to visit them. Then, I’ll be back to blogging. I had to share this precious picture though, Gino snapped it this morning….
Marriage to me is one of the most powerful things on this earth. It is a bond that you form and choose to stick with someone forever. In my case for all eternity. It’s a bond that you can’t break, it’s a bond that you don’t want to break even when it’s the one thing in this world you’d love to break.
I met my husband 8 1/2 years ago and I’ve been happily married for almost 3 years. Married for almost 5. We’ve been through some disastrous situations, ones that end marriages, but we overcame them together. Divorce has never been an option, even when it should have been. Instead, we learned to love each other again, maybe for the first time. We learned what it means for better or worse. I learned to appreciate my wedding ring and it’s symbol of a never ending circle. This marriage will never end.
This man that I’m married to is my best friend. Nobody can make me more mad, but nobody can make me more happy. We’re this powerful team that can conquer anything together, because we’ve almost been through it all in our eyes. We are proof that the most horrible marriage can survive and I feel like for us sticking it out through the thick and thin that God has blessed us with a great marriage.
I don’t think I tell him enough how thankful I am for him. I don’t think I tell him enough how there’s no way in this world that I could do this life without him, that there’s no way in this world that I’d want to do it without him. But I’m telling him here, now. Someday he’ll read this blog and when he comes upon this entry I want his heart to smile.
You are an amazing husband, Gino. I’m proud of the choices and changes that you have made to better yourself and our family. You make my heart smile every day. I’m thankful to have you as a husband, friend, and father of my children.
When Kristen announced the SWAK carnival I was so excited. I love to brag about my marriage and my husband. So, if you want to brag about your husband or read other’s entries go to her blog and start reading away.
I’m happy where I’m at. I’m happy where I’m at in every aspect of my life. Especially where I live at. I never thought I could be happy away from my home, but strangely this has become my home.
We’re in a very scary economy, and people are losing their jobs left and right. It’s scary. It’s petrifying. I’m thankful, because I don’t feel like we’re going to be effected by this.
My job is different, I work at home. I do books for my grandmother’s mobile home and manage the park. It’s different, because I’m not physically at the park. I have my maintenance man that makes sure that things are running smoothly there, and it works. However, I’m being offered an opportunity that part of me thinks I’m stupid for turning down.
This opportunity would consist of Gino quitting his job. We would have Cobra insurance for a year, but after that I don’t know what we’d do. Maybe pay an extreme price for insurance, because I do have a cardiac baby, and insurance is necessary. We would move to a very small town and live in a manufactured house. A 4 bedroom, beautiful manufactured house, but it is what it is. Gino would not have to work. He would be free to go to school full time and get his degree. I would get my dealer’s license and sell mobile homes to fill up the park. It would be a 2 year plan. When all was said and done we would be able to buy some land here in Oregon, and be given a manufactured house to put it on.
I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to leave my happy place. I don’t want to go and join a ward that I don’t think I’d be happy in. I don’t want to leave the security that my husband does have at his work. I don’t want to uproot my children and put them in a school that I think would suck. I don’t want to not have a program like the YMCA for my children to go to. I don’t want to not be able to go to Target or the mall or Olive Garden or Applebee’s whenever I want. I don’t want to become depressed. I don’t want to live in a miserable town like Ely. I don’t want to. I don’t want to. I don’t want to.
But should I? Is it the best thing for our lives? Is 2 years all that much? The thought of it makes my stomach hurt and me want to cry. I’m happy. I love where I’m at in my life. I don’t want to ruin it.
I feel insecure and sick to my stomach. I don’t want to do this, but I know my Grandma needs me to. Who else is going to be able to sell mobile homes and fill that park up? There has to be another way.
My littlest sister, Tiona turned 10 on Friday. Friday night we went out to dinner with her and had a pretty fun time, but yesterday we went to her birthday party and had A BLAST! I honestly can’t believe how much fun I had. It was at the skating ring and when I showed up I had no intentions on skating. I finally caved, put the skates on and took Jayden out. He actually was doing really well for it being his first time.
It really had me thinking while out there skating with my little man that it saddens me that we don’t do a lot of things with just the two of us. I think it’s important for him and me that we do something with just the two of us at least once every two weeks. He needs that. I need that.
Ella was great, which was shocking. My sister Britney took care of her while I spent my quality time with Jayden. She was cute and everyone oooooed and ahhhhed over her, and she loved the attention she got.
Picture time…… oh… my sister’s date on the pics hasn’t been set – so don’t mind the date 🙂 It’s pretty wrong.
I’ve been going through an array of mixed feelings lately, and I’m not sure what to make of them. I’m struggling with my brother, and feel hate, pity, sadness, love and it’s frustrating. When I think of him I think of him as a little boy and I shouldn’t do that. I think about the time that his dad came to get him when he was only 5 years old (little did I know I wouldn’t see him again until he was 12) and he hid in the closet because he didn’t want to go.
I need to stop thinking about that little boy hiding in the closet, because he has turned into something that I think is despicable. He moved here in August to get his life together. He’s definitely not done that. He managed to get a girl pregnant and now has nothing to do with her, so Gino and I are doing everything we can to help her out, because that is our niece or nephew. Gino and I have had so many conversations about this and it sickens both of us how he can just turn his back on his own flesh and blood because he’d rather have a “FREAKY” girl as he said. When you have 2 kids with 2 different girls, it’s time to stop. Stop trying to hustle the world. Stop trying to meet a million girls on myspace…. and then end up with my husband’s cousin who is just as ghetto as he is, with 5 kids and lives 10 hours away from here. Real logical. It’s time to grow up, get a job, pay child support and have good impact on BOTH of your kid’s lives.
I don’t like the hateful feelings that I have right now. It bugs me, and I’m trying not to even think about him and his stupidity, but it’s hard. The kid lived a hard life and was tossed around and unfortunately, caused him a lot of damage and that’s too bad, because now he has kids and that damage will end up effecting them. Such a sick, vicious cycle. Definitely makes me want to do my kids right by giving them a good life, being a good mom and keeping them in church.
I’ve tried waking up and reading scriptures, or a good Ensign article that will hopefully help me out, and it works, but I’m still struggling. Hate is something that I don’t want to have in my heart, and I hope that I can eventually conquer it.
On Sunday I woke up and I really thought that it was going to be a great Sunday! We all had our church clothes laid out and then the unexpected (well, I should have expected it) happened. Gino asked if he’d like me to keep Ella with him. This threw me! THREW ME for a loop. I didn’t flip, and I just said, “No, thanks, but she’s going to nursery this Sunday.” The kids and I proceeded to get ready and we went to church. Okay… I know, I wouldn’t walk out the door that easily w/out saying something horribly harsh and stabbing. So, luckily I had Gino to start me off by saying to me, “I’ll pray for you today.” I turned around and said, “Hmmm…. I’ll pray for you and ask for your name to be taken off the rolls of the church so you can join Satan’s church.”
Wow.
Did I REALLY say that? YUP. I most certainly did, and felt like bawling all the way to church. I’ve been so confused as to why Gino is going backwards when all I want to do is make it to the temple and get sealed.
I walked into church and of course the bishop’s wife who has that motherly touch was right there and hugged me and….. I LOST IT! I started bawling and couldn’t stop. Then I went to the bathroom, got myself together then my friend Kari came to sit by me and I lost it again. I mean, the tears were FLOWING! It was horrible. It was a momentous day, the first day Ella went to nursery and I was sad that Gino wasn’t going to be there for it. I had many emotions that day, and I felt beyond emotional.
So, Bishop and I talked and I’m not going to be in primary anymore. I didn’t have to ask, but when I told him that I think it’s my calling that’s keeping Gino from coming to church he said he’d take care of it. I wanted to be in primary so badly. I loved being in there with Jayden, and I just might sneak in and hang out in there after Sunday school.
I have to do what’s best for my family, and if Gino’s not ready for me to leave him for the last 2 hours of church by himself, then I have to put his needs first. I feel good. I came home and we had a great talk and I think that he’ll be at church on Sunday. I hope he is.
This is an example of where I need to try to Be like Jesus. Just like our Family Home Evening lesson LAST NIGHT. I need to be compassionate of Gino’s feelings, be patient with his journey, and understanding. I also need to put him first. Right now, he’s got to be feeling somewhat insecure, because this is really all new to him. I may have been active now for a year, but Gino’s just really starting out here. There’s so much to learn and instead of feeling pressures, that’s exactly what he should be doing. If there’s a Sunday where he doesn’t want to go to church I need to be understanding and not push. Not get mad, but love him even more for the progress that he’s already made. The hard steps of changing his life because he loves us that much.
Our trip to California was quick. We had such a fun time though. Friday after Jayden got out of school we took off and got into town around 8:30pm. At 10:30 pm we went to the movies with my sister while my mom watched the kids. We saw that 3D My Bloody Valentine movie – I actually really liked it!
Saturday I picked up my niece Alana so that she could go to the birthday party. She is such a beautiful little girl. I hadn’t seen her since she was 6 weeks old, so it was an amazing reunion. And so fun to watch her and Ella with each other.
We went to Chuck E Cheese for Vani’s 2nd Birthday. Ella was in HEAVEN there! She’d never been to anything like it before, so her eyes lit up and she was having the time of her life. The little smarty pants even figured out that you needed tokens and would take the token and try to put it in the machine.
We finally got a picture of all of the cousins together. This is the first time that they’ve all been together at the same time. Sad it took so long, but we FINALLY got it!!
Then on Sunday morning we woke up early and went to Stockton to see Gino’s mom and little brother, Gabriel. We took them to Arroyo’s, which is probably the best Mexican food I’ve ever had in my life. It was a nice visit. I really do enjoy visiting with his mom.
After lunch on Sunday we headed on our way home, but we had one more stop to make. We were going to do a surprise visit to Gino’s dad and step-mom’s house. We pulled up and they were so happy to see us. We only stayed for a couple hours, then we ventured on our way home and arrived at 9:30pm. And we went straight to bed.
So, it was a quick, but very enjoyable trip.
I’m better than I was when I wrote my previous blog post. Life can be a bit overwhelming sometimes and I took it out on my blog. I’m sure we’ll all just be fine and I’m probably overreacting. *DEEP BREATH* Moving on in a positive way about my day.
Life isn’t always perfect. Pictures don’t always show the whole story. My smile sometimes is a lie. I don’t know what is going on right now, but I feel like things are falling apart. It’s funny, because in the primary class that I teach we were talking about apostasy and restoration.
There was a time of apostasy on this earth when the fullness of the gospel was taken away. Then when Joseph Smith had the first vision, the start of the restoration started.
I feel as if my family is about to go through the apostasy. Yeah, a little harsh – and I know there are probably a lot of members that know my family that gasping. Life sucks sometimes and I don’t know what went wrong.
I for one will say that being a member of this church is hard to be a part of. They ask a lot of you and it’s not easy. You get to go to church and see all these “perfect” families that were born into this and have never known a different life and think to yourself, ‘Hmmm we’ll never be there.’ We are not perfect. I don’t have a husband that thrives to serve others like all the men in this church seem to do; I have a husband who thinks the world revolves around him and is probably the most narcissistic person that I’ve ever met. He gives murmuring a whole new meaning. But he’s my husband and with or without the church I love him. I’m not perfect…. I have so many faults, but I’m trying. I’m trying to be the Mormon wife, the Mormon mom. But life is not so sugar coated as it seems, well at least not when you’re starting out at this so late in life.
I do know this. It’s hard, but it’s what we’re supposed to do. With or without my husband, I will continue to be a member of this church and hope that it gives my children the morals and principles that I want them to have with them for the rest of their lives. Getting up on Sunday and going to church for 3 hours is hard sometimes, but what’s 3 hours out of 168 hours? 3 hours out of our week is NOTHING. There are things that my husband doesn’t understand. Things he thinks are inconvenient, and I don’t know how to go about showing him the reason why we are called to do callings that take our time, why we have to go to church for so long, and why he should be going to church instead of watching that stupid football game that could have been DVRed.
I’m bitter today. I see him slowly pull away and by the time that we’ll be able to finally be sealed together as a family he won’t be in the same spot I am. What a horrible thing. Apostacy sure has a new meaning for me, and I hope to God that it doesn’t hit this family that has come SO FAR from what it used to be.
I’m having mixed feelings about my new calling to Primary. I think that the calling is great and I know that I could learn a lot from who I’d be teaching with, but I just think that the timing is not right. I don’t feel comfortable leaving Gino to attend Sunday school by himself. He’s so new to all of this and I can see him falling away from the church a little bit. Not wanting to stay after Sacrament, and I just think he’s too new of a member to do this to.
I feel bad going and turning down my calling, but something inside of me keeps screaming that I need to turn it down.
I don’t know what to do. 🙁