Because the lady at the store is totally in my marriage….

Posted on February 9, 2011 by Amanda

Last week for my Pour Your Heart Out post I got an wonderful amount of people giving me support and advice on my {son’s new found diagnosis}…. I just want to say that I am so grateful for the amazing community that comes with this mommy blogging thing ~ and Shell you ROCK for starting this and being amazing. With that little intro ~ here’s this weeks Pour Your Heart Out….

Why is it that once you’ve had your third child EVERY SINGLE PERSON you come into contact with has to ask…..

“Are you done?”

Let me retract here for a moment, when I said EVERY SINGLE PERSON, I meant that literally. Everywhere I go people ooooo and ahhhhh over the {newest little addition} wrapped securely to her mama while sleeping soundly. Her brother and sister aren’t acting too wild and I’m actually not a total basket case wondering what I got myself into. Yet, everybody from old people to the lady at the check out in the grocery store to family members HAVE to ask me…. “Are you done?”

I get it, we live in a society where anything over 2 is unheard of, or crazy, or whatever it is that these people are thinking. But to me, I love my children, and I love being a mom. I have dedicated my life to ensuring that these little people are loved and hugged and taught and given the light of God’s word into their lives. I have stepped up to the plate to teach these little ones everything that I know they will need in life to succeed.

My question is… so why is it that everybody is so concerned on whether I’m going to have more or not? And even more than that…. why is it that people who are basically strangers to me feel it’s their place to give me the reasons on why I should be done? This happens almost daily.

A marriage is between two people. Outside judgments are not appreciated. Pretty sure last time I checked, the decision to have another child takes place within a marriage. Sure, if I was a mother who didn’t take care of my children, form your negative opinions… whatever, but PLEASE do not pass judgment on me for being a good mom. I know that a lot of people out there feel overwhelmed and spent from the one or two children they have, but I’m not. I enjoy my kids. The bottom line is it is OUR decision that WE will make WITHOUT you. It is honestly NONE of your business and your JUDGMENTAL eyes staring at my 3 well behaved, adorable children is not welcomed.

The Official Diagnosis

Posted on February 2, 2011 by Amanda

Last Sunday I packed 2 of my kids up in the car and drove 3 hours away to do something that’s needed to be done for a very long time. I’ve blogged many times about my concerns with Jayden and autism. I’ve blogged about taking him out of school, because he’s socially awkward and was being picked on.

I had an idea of what to expect. 10 hours at a facility meeting with specialist after specialist searching for some sort of an answer for what has been going on with my son for years.

I walked in expecting to hear the words that no mother wants to hear. The words of “Yes, your son is autistic. Yes, this is something he will live with forever.”

I didn’t hear those words.

I heard something equally heart breaking, but I didn’t hear the word autistic. I heard that my son has a communication disorder. I heard that my son has ADHD. I heard that my son has Sensory Processing Disorder. But I didn’t hear the words autistic.

Jayden has a communication/language disorder called Semantic Pragmatic Disorder. Here is a snippit from Wikipedia to give you an idea of what this disorder entails:

Pragmatic language impairment (PLI) is an impairment in understanding pragmatic areas of language. This type of impairment was previously called semantic-pragmatic disorder(SPD). Pragmatic language impairments are related to autism and Asperger syndrome. People with these impairments have special challenges with the semantic aspect of language (the meaning of what is being said) and the pragmatics of language (using language appropriately in social situations).

I feel like a failure of a parent. I always knew that something was different…. not by any means in a bad way, but just special. I never knew the extent that Jayden struggled to understand at times what people meant. When he said “I don’t understand” he really didn’t understand. Why didn’t I pursue this sooner?

When we walked out of that all day appointment I looked at his sweet little face and I swear my love for him grew even more…. which is something I never thought was possible. This innocent, sweet little guy was made in a way that he can’t be tainted by this cruel world. He truly doesn’t “get” a lot of things. He needs his mommy in ways I never knew he needed me. And my heart is aching in ways I never knew it could.

He doesn’t “get” it when kids joke around with him. He’s so literal that his feelings get hurt and I’ve always wanted to just protect him and keep him close to me. This whole thing makes me feel THAT much better about my decision to homeschool him. I can’t fathom throwing him out on the recess field now and expecting him to understand what the kids are saying and doing to him, when he LITERALLY can’t.

How did I not know this? How did I not have a light bulb go off after the millionth time of him saying, “I just don’t understand.” I thought it was Jayden trying to get out of things or his sensory overload taking place….. I never thought that he was struggling to understand the meaning of the things I was saying. This picture I took of him the other night which was him not understanding and getting his feelings hurt. Talk about heart breaking. And even more heartbreaking is the way my heart feels for every time I got annoyed or frustrated at him for not “getting it”.

I’m taking a deep breath and being thankful that at least I did pursue it. We know what we’re working with and now we start therapy. We’re going to get him into an Occupational Therapist to work with him on the Sensory issues and a Speech Therapist to work with him on the language disorder. With the ADHD I’m currently experimenting with a drink called {Celsius}, which has ZERO sugar and has caffeine and B vitamins. AND it’s working! I’m noticing that when he drinks the drink before it’s time for school work that he’s MUCH more focused!!

I have to move on from here on out and not dwell too much on what I should have done. I guess the bottom line is at least I finally figured it out right? I don’t know if this is even possible, but I swear I walked out of that appointment loving my little buddy even more.

Pour Your Heart Out…. In Laws

Posted on December 8, 2010 by Amanda

Believe it or not I hate drama. I say believe it or not, because it seems like we ALWAYS have drama going on with family. So I’m here to pour it all out.

I’ve never had a good relationship with my inlaws. They have this preconceived idea in their minds about me, and it’s never changed. We’ve basically played fake with each other for the past 10 years. I’ve always known they didn’t like me, and with how they’ve treated me in the past…. sadly, I’ve never respected them.

The thing that gets me is the act they’ve put on with how wonderful they’ve been to my husband and his brother….. the people gave them a place to live and THAT IS IS. That’s not being a parent. What did they do to set them up for success in life? NOTHING. My husband turned 18 and for Christmas he got tubberware and basically a rush for him to move out so they could play house with his step-mom’s real children. Did they prepare him for college? NOPE. But they have this attitude that they have done so much for them. Sorry, but the fact that his dad is biologically his dad he had no choice….. and doing the absolute minimum for your children is not what I would call a fantastic father.

But the above is not my opinion, the above is my husband’s opinion. The above is how my husband has always felt. Marrying me and starting OUR family is where my husband has discovered what true parenting is really all about.

With that said – it seems that we are having a major issue here based on the fact that I wouldn’t allow my inlaws to camp out and take over my entire downstairs area with their 2 big, teenage children and themselves…. sleeping on my couch and literally making it so there is nowhere comfortable to sit, 4 DAYS AFTER I GIVE BIRTH TO MY DAUGHTER. The comments of “I don’t think you should even have to ask to visit family” makes me laugh. Um, I’m sorry you feel that way, but when you coming to visit actually means me basically not having a house then you bet your ass you’re gonna ask if you can come visit. On normal circumstances, it’s okay to come and visit and take over my entire downstairs of my house, of course with notice …. but 4 DAYS AFTER I GIVE BIRTH ~ I’m sorry, but even the idea entering your head that this would be okay is not okay to me.

I’m of course the devil who is brain washing my husband even though my husband is a grown man who has always had his own opinions on his family. He didn’t need any brain washing from me. I can’t help but giggle at the fact that they really think that.

To be honest, my husband I are so sick of family drama that we just can’t do it. My family is filled with it, now his family is filled with it and it’s just exhausting! Especially right after we have our baby and then her having to be admitted back into the hospital.

I can say this much…. moving to Oregon away from all of them was by far the smartest thing we ever did.

More like CRY my heart out!

Posted on September 22, 2010 by Amanda

I think I have some serious crying issues.

And I don’t think it’s just because I’m pregnant…..

Because I’ve ALWAYS been like this.

If I like something and it excites me in any way I will probably cry.

Especially with dancing and music.

Yesterday the most amazing kid ever was on {The Ellen Show} ~ he was 6 and was dancing and while I watched him…. I had tear pouring down my face.

Is this normal?

I cry through every episode of GLEE ~ and there’s no reason to!

But any amazing singing or dancing will make me cry. And my husband always know the minute it’s going to happen.

Please tell me I’m not alone.

Fears of a Mama of 3 to Be

Posted on September 1, 2010 by Amanda

Oh my most favorite day of the week ever!

You think that your life feels complete and that there is nothing missing until the birth of your new child. I’m 26 weeks and 2 day pregnant.

I have fears inside of me that I had with Ella.

Fears that I know will vanish the moment I look into this baby girl’s eyes.

Fears that there’s no way I could love this baby as much as I love my other two children.

The love for your children is something that is so big, so powerful, and so incomprehensible, that you can’t imagine it for even a second. As much as I know that I love this little flipper in my stomach I can’t fathom loving anything or anybody as gut wrenchingly much as I love Jayden and Ella.

But you know what, I felt this exact same way when I was pregnant with Ella. I had fears of not loving her as much as I loved Jayden, because how in the world could I ever love anything as much as I love Jayden? The minute I looked into Ella’s eyes, she had my heart. This is something that I have to keep reminding myself. As fearful as I might be that there’s a chance I won’t love this baby…. It’s only a fear and I know that she’ll capture my heart the same way Jayden and Ella both did.

I’m starting to get anxious and excited about the arrival of the new baby. It’s hard to believe that in a few short months our life is going to be extremely changing. There’s going to be a little, teeny, tiny baby that’s our’s. It’s so surreal.

The Hard Parenting Moments

Posted on August 24, 2010 by Amanda

Stepping out of the bathroom with a huge grin on your face because YOU ARE PREGNANT, you aren’t thinking about the challenges that are going to come along with those 2 beautiful pink lines.

I can still remember walking out of the bathroom and my husband being on the phone with his dad and me smiling holding up the test. I just was imagining all the cute little baby clothes, and baby feet, and first steps and tickles and giggles. What I wasn’t thinking about was the challenges that would arise.

What I wasn’t thinking about was that one day while at the park my son was going to be called gay, because he had to encounter heartless children that unfortunately are not being raised with any morals what so ever.

My innocent, little son because he told a kid “Nice bike” is deemed “gay”. My son knows what being gay is, because he has a gay aunt. My son knows what being gay is, because this isn’t the first time he’s been called a derogatory name like this by a child who unfortunately is being raised by parents who have no grounds to even be able to have a child.

I as an adult can understand why children act like this. I can comprehend the fact that this is what they are being raised around. But my almost 9 year old son cannot. His sweet little soul asked me, “Why would they call me that? I’m not gay.” All I can say to my son is…

“You are going to go through your life encountering people who are nasty, people who have a very hateful outlook on this world and towards people. You are going to have many people attack you as a person because you have morals, you know what’s right and what’s wrong and you care about other people. Instead of feeling hurt inside over these words that are crushing, I think it’s a wonderful opportunity to pray that whatever it is that’s hurting these people in their lives that they find peace. Pray that they will soften their hearts and stop lashing out on the world for their own miseries.

No matter what, always know that if you can keep yourself composed and never stoop down to their level and always just wish the best among all of those around you, especially those who hurt you, you will be extremely blessed for this. I promise that instead of feeling bad inside, you will feel good inside. You’ll feel like you gave that person something they don’t have, and something they probably never were blessed with.”

As a mom this hurts. I don’t ever want my children to feel the hurt that can come with other children’s anger and hatred towards the world…. Or should I say their parent’s anger and hatred shining through them?

Mommy Guilt Sucks

Posted on August 18, 2010 by Amanda

This little guy used to be the center of my world entirely…. him and him only. He was the only baby in our family. My brother and sister hadn’t had children yet and the next baby in the family {my nephew} didn’t come until Jayden was 5. That’s 5 years of being spoiled by not only his mom & dad but my mom, my brother, and my husband’s family.

When he was 6 the next baby of the family came and that baby came directly to our little family. Miss Ella Bella.

I love how my family is growing, honestly I do ~ and the fact that we’re adding yet another to our family is beyond exciting. But my little man just keeps growing up, and our family just keeps growing. I can’t help but worry is he getting lost in the shuffle? Ever since Ella was born a lot of attention has been put on her, because of her heart. I hope I’ve never made Jayden feel like he wasn’t special or important, because he is still my everything. He is still and always be my first born, and he will always be the center of my world…. This little man changed my life for the better the minute I felt him move inside me.

I think that I need to do more things with just him so that he feels special.

Now to elaborate a little more on this….

Jayden’s growing up. He’s going to be 9 in a month and he’s much more independent than his 3 year old little sister. When I’m home she literally consumes me. Ella and I have spent the last 3 years together day in and day out. She’s venturing into being little miss independent and she needs constant supervision. And now there’s going to be a newborn in a few months ~ and I’m terrified that Jayden is going to not feel important…. And I need to make sure that this doesn’t happen! I need to make sure that everyday I am making him feel special and important in some way…. And that he gets alone time with me w/no other children getting in the way.

To top all of this off, tonight as I’m frustrated and trying to get Ella to bed and my frustrations were apparently showing, Jayden says to me, “Geez! What did I ever do to you? Why do you keep yelling at me?”

*GASP* was I yelling? I didn’t even realize I was yelling. I knew I felt frustrated, but in no way shape or form was it towards him. I had to grab him, hug him and apologize right then and there, because I deserved the BAD MOM award for that one.

Am I alone in feeling like this with my children?

Welcome to another week of me pouring my heart out.

Pour Your Heart Out…. she’s a girl and I’m going to let her be one!

Posted on July 15, 2010 by Amanda

I’ve been having blog issues… in fact my blog has been a bit MIA ~ literally over the past couple of weeks. I finally have at least this back and am working on getting my domain garibaysoup.com back.

With that being said….

I’m making a come back with a post for Shell’s awesome Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday… because I have some major pouring to do.

I have a daughter. And I’ve always dreamed of having a daughter. I’ve had dreams for my daughter forever. Maybe her dreams will be different, and that’s fine, but until she realizes what her dreams are I will be fulfilling mine for her.

I’ve always envisioned my little girl to be a little girl, a dancer, dressed in tutus and everything like sugar and spice. I know, this just might change when she’s older, but for now she’s living my vision…. and she loves it. She loves to dance, she loves to dress up, she loves being a girl. Keep in mind I’m not like putting makeup on her and throwing her in pageants and being like toddlers and tiaras, but I’m letting her be A GIRL…… does she look like she’s suffering in this picture?

SO…. here’s where I pour it all out.

We had my in-laws stop in for a night on their way to Washington {because we are a completely awesome ~~pit stop~~ place to stay} and for a night on their way back home. On their way up the visit was nice…. extremely short, but whatever. Apparently spending an extra day with my kids wasn’t in their plans, but the visit on their trip back SUCKED.

There’s a lot of things that went on that I’m not going to get into right now, but one thing irritated the hell out of me. My husband’s little sister is going to be a freshmen in high school. Since she grew up with only brothers I guess her parents found it right to put her in sports all her life. Which is FINE! However…. I AM NOT DOING THIS WITH MY DAUGHTER. I REFUSE. If she comes to me and says, “Mom, I would like to play basketball.” I will support her. But I am not going to shove her in sports, and I sure as hell am not going to shove my son who doesn’t want to play sports into sports.

Well, apparently I’m unreasonable to not put Ella in sports in addition to dance classes. Um…. I’m pretty sure that she’s my kid. I’m pretty sure that I carried her for 9 months, pushed her out and get to make the decisions for her until she can make them for herself. And that’s the privilege I GET because I AM HER MOM.

So to have people enter my home and try to argue with me about this is the most IRRITATING thing in the entire world. We are not them, we will never be them. I am pretty sure that my husband and I are raising our children the way we WANT TO, and we will accept outside opinions when you are financially, emotionally and physically supporting my children… until then, please keep your opinions on what I should do with my children TO YOURSELF!

And my daughter will NEVER NEVER NEVER play softball… I would like to make that clear to my sister in law. So, you can put your daughter in softball, but mine will not be in softball.

Okay, that felt good.

My Little Stutterer

Posted on June 30, 2010 by Amanda

I love Shell’s Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays, because I am one that REALLY loves to pour her heart out on her blog. This week I’m dealing with something new and heartbreaking so here I go ~

A little over a week ago my little girl started to stutter. At first it would just be her repeating the first sound of the sentence over and over for a few times before she finally spit it out, but now it’s worse. She actually will open her mouth and have such difficulty getting the word out that she just attempts trying.

This mama is HEARTBROKEN! I pray HARD that this is just some phase she’s going through and she will outgrow it, and she won’t stutter for the rest of her life…. because my heart can’t handle her feelings getting hurt from the mean kids she’ll encounter.

I made her a doctor’s appointment, against everybody’s advice. Even my son’s speech therapist’s advice. Luckily I saw him at the park and snagged him for a little insight into his brain on what we’re going through. His main advice was patience, don’t put words in her mouth, basically just let her work on it on her own. But she struggles and all I want to do is help her slow it down and give her the word she’s trying to say.

Now here’s the downfall of parenting. You hurt when they hurt and the more kids you have I think the more hurt you’re going to have to feel! With having an SPD child I’ve hurt a lot. My heart has felt like it was literally stabbed when he comes home to tell me that some ~~evil~~ child has told him how weird he is. My heart has been stabbed as I’ve watched him with his beautiful manner at the age of 5 walk up to a kid to play with him and introducing himself as Jayden, while putting his hand out to shake it ~ only for that ~~evil~~ child to turn around and walk away from him.

I don’t want my kids to hurt more than general life already will make them hurt. I don’t want my daughter to come home crying because somebody made fun of her because no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get that word out.

I’m taking Ella to the doctors even if it’s a waste of time and he tells me the exact same thing as the speech therapist told me, because I want to do everything I possibly can as early as I possibly can if this does indeed turn out to be a problem and not a phase.

Faith ~ Scripture Journal

Posted on June 2, 2010 by Amanda

Attn my dear blog readers. I understand that my Faith is likely to be different than your’s and while I may make references to my faith at times I try to speak from my heart on a certain values or subjects. So, while you might not believe in what I believe in, you might find a little nugget from my heart that might touch your’s. And my brain is scattered and sometimes my blog posts might come off that way as well

With that said…..

Without faith we don’t have much. I was born LDS, but was not necessarily raised LDS. I don’t think I ever once had a sturdy go to church every Sunday structure in my life. Honestly, I didn’t know much about the church, but there was a seed that was planted in my heart at a very young age, and that seed grew. So while I never knew much about the church my heart belonged to, in my heart and with faith I knew this church was true.

I’ve been studying up on Faith, which is a very important value in all of our lives. I think this scripture pretty much sums up Faith in the most amazing way {Alma 32:17-32}.

Without faith, what dreams would we have. I dream big and I dream with faith. I have faith that my dreams will come true. I live my life knowing with faith that my family will be a family for all eternity. Do I have perfect knowledge of this? No, but it definitely gives me something to be thankful for. If I had perfect knowledge would I experience the lessons in life that I experience? Probably not. If I had perfect knowledge would there be much room for forgiveness from Heavenly Father for my sins? Probably not.

President Spencer W. Kimball once wrote a book called {Faith Precedes the Miracle} which is definitely on my list of must reads. In it he talks of how men reverses the process of Faith. Using a seed for example we plant a seed with FAITH that a blossom will form. We don’t expect to see a blossom without planting the seed, right? We as human have reversed the process. We expect results without exercising Faith. I quote from President Kimball “We want to have health and strength without keeping the health laws. We want to have prosperity without paying our tithes. We want to be close to the Lord but don’t want to fast and pray.”

We have to have faith that there is a reason that God has set up our lives the way that they are set up. We have to have faith that there is a purpose to every day. We have to have a faith that we will be together with our families for all eternity, because could you fathom the contrary? Faith gets us through each day, through our lives, but we have to remember that the miracle comes after Faith. If you have a dream, you have to have faith in God that he will help you do everything possible to make that dream come true.

With parenting and marriage I think I have experienced far more faith than ever in my life. Not only faith in God, but faith in myself, faith in my husband, faith in my children. Parenting alone has so many trials and without faith I don’t know how I’d get through my day. Even the little things, faith that bedtime will indeed come and I will have that peace I so desperately need, faith that the tantrum being thrown will pass. Faith that the phases that they go through that make you want to literally pull every single hair out of your head is just indeed a phase. Faith in yourself that you are what your children need.

Marriage, I have to have faith that my marriage will succeed all trials that it faces. I have to have faith that he loves only me, as he has to have faith that I only love him. We do not have perfect knowledge of these things, which is why in marriage faith is one of the most important things there is. Faith in our sacred relationship is what helps us get through the trials. I have faith that every trial we face is dealt to us for a reason and that there is a lesson to be learned through it. In my marriage we have faced some ROUGH, and I mean ROUGH ROUGH ROUGH trials. I’ve said it before on my blog, things people throw the towel in over and call it quits, but FAITH kept us together. Faith that we were bigger than the trials we went through, and Faith that God would help us to get to the point we needed to be at in order to continue on with our marriage ~ and love each other.

I close this post with a quote from {Alma 32:21} “Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.”

Enchanting Havoc

Category Archives: Pour Your Heart Out