Um… anxiety much?

We’re waiting to hear on this house. This house is THE house for us… the perfect, beautiful backyard with a porch that puts warm fuzzies all over my body! There’s planter boxes for gardens, a peach tree…. and basically I have all of my hopes and dreams into this place.

The waiting game is KILLING ME!!!!!! I just want a phone call that says…. yup, it’s YOU and YOU and your family will get to have the summer BBQs while watching your kids play in the back…. you’ll finally be able to cook in a kitchen that you aren’t suffocated in.

With every day of waiting that I have to go through, my heart is freaking aching.

I know that everything that is meant to be will be…. I live by this, and try not to get too let down on certain things. It’s just that I got my hopes so high, and my heart so set that the let down will be crushing. I really want the fun summer out back, with our lemonades, treasure hunts, gardening, and peach picking. I’ve used the Secret to the best of my capability, and am scared that any doubt I’ve put into my head has hurt our chances.

If you’re reading this, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE say a quick prayer that we DO get this house!!

Day 1 – Peace

I don’t know if life gets much more peaceful than this right here. Oh, my Ella. My first daughter, and the girl that holds my heart in a way no other girl could EVER hold it. I love her so dang much.

She’s such a diva…. she’s so into girly things, yet needs her pixie dust to get through life. My bathroom is literally covered in glitter right now, because she needed not only her mascara today, but her pixie dust. She’s so grown up for a 4 year old, yet so adorably young in her little heart.

My goodness I was blessed more than I realized the day I found out I was pregnant with her…. I love her so dang much.

Smile on my face…… and a really full heart

My house is quiet.  The only sounds are the Adele pandora station – and that’s it.  I sucked as a mom today.  There was a lot of TV watching, a lot of… give me a minute, give me a minute, give me a minute.

With this quietness, I kinda want to rewind.  I want to sit on the floor and forget about everything I’ve put off for days while I’ve been going through my miscarriage, and put one more day off…. one more day to just give them 110% of me.

I don’t like mommy guilt.

I don’t like mommy guilt one dang bit!

I need to be better about time allocation, and making sure that before anything… my kids feel like they have their mama’s attention whenever they need it.  I read a quote on Pinterest the other day that I can’t stop thinking about.  A quote that is so dang true, and I needed the reminder…. isn’t it funny how Pinterest can do that for you?

Right?! There are so many times I read some sort of parenting quote on Facebook and I just cringe inside, because I think…..crap, I so suck. BUT I don’t – I need to remind myself that it’s hard to be at home with your children 100% of the time. There are times that you have to step aside and take care of the things that you have to take care of. I think my struggles lately have come from the fact that every time I DO try to sit down and get some work done, my girls are in my face not letting me….. they don’t like to play. I DON’T GET IT! Ella wants to constantly be doing things I’m doing and she has this world of amazing toys, and she doesn’t want to touch them. So then I feel guilty, and then I start to question myself as a parent when I’m like….. MOVIE TIME!!!!! I need to get the heck over it, because I watched a hell of a lot of TV, and guess what…. I’m okay. These kids aren’t constantly in front of a TV, but when you are home 100% of the time, it’s OKAY to stick a movie on and get some dang work done!

Okay…. so, here’s my deal right now. My blog has been an issue for me.

I got REALLY, and I mean REALLY caught up in the blogging for others. I of course wanted readers, and cared what people thought, and was careful about what I blogged about…. and then I just stopped. I stopped blogging. That’s not okay with me, because blogging is therapeutic to me.

So – I’ve sortof gotten to that point where I NEED to blog again…. I need to pour my heart out and let it be for me. If my blog post inspires you, GREAT – that makes me happy, but if it only inspires me, or soothes me… that’s okay. That’s what this blog is for. For me.

SO – expect more regular postings, because I have blog guilt lately too – I feel like Aliyah’s entire life has passed by and I haven’t blogged hardly a single thing.

I’ve had this desire in me to write lately. My family has always said I should write a book, but I struggle with this…. I can’t imagine myself writing a fictional novel. I LOVE reading my fictional books, and live to read all of my indie author’s books {I actually don’t read anything else anymore}, but that’s not me. I imagine myself writing an inspirational book – a book to inspire people to push themselves to try a little harder and boost their quality of life, because it’s in them. I have the words… I know they’re there. But I’M just not there yet. So, in the meantime, I’ll put it all here. Maybe become obsessed with slam poetry and start going to live slam poetry readings, because goodness it’s amazing stuff.

I might have just gone through a really hard tragedy, but I feel so dang blessed right now. I have a smile on my face, and a really full heart.

My first SLAM – You Left Me

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to understand why we continue to be given the same challenge in life over and over again.

A challenge that I hate to go through,

A challenge I detest

We’re going through our 3rd miscarriage.

This baby wasn’t planned.

I was furious when I found out.

But then things changed – and I started to dream, and to love, and to hope.

But then I was left empty, I was left hopeless and my dreams were shattered.

I hate the pity,

I hate the difference towards me,

I hate how people think it’s better off avoiding me,

because they don’t know what to say to me.

Why can’t people just treat me normal?

I’m still me – just tainted with what some might see as some disease.

I saw the heartbeat up on the screen.  The amount of love that welled up in me was not what I had expected.

See, a baby with a toddler just seemed overwhelming, but I realized that my heart was sure enough growing.

I loved the pitter patter, and started to dream and then I got the news….

you left me

you left me empty,

you left me missing,

you left me dreamless,

you left me

So here I sit realizing that dreams change, plans dissolve, but life surely must go on.

I’ve found myself missing the three babies God took from me,

I’ve found my reasons to smile in the three babies God entrusted with me.

There’s nothing easy about losing a baby,

There is however an amazing amount of strength that you discover.

So, yes, you left me

you left me empty, yet full of love.

you left me dreamless, yet full of hope.

you left me missing, and this, my baby, will always remain.

I will miss you forever and love you the same.

 

I want to give a special thank you to {Colleen Hoover}, the author of Slammed & Point of Retreat – thank you for inspiring me to SLAM my feelings out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m slightly funny about where I write.  Lately my laptop is not working – well, everything on it works perfectly except for the wifi.  It absolutely will not turn on and it’s so sad to me.  I LOVE my desktop, but I don’t always want to write while sitting at the table.

So I finally fixed a couple of things on my husband’s laptop so that I can use it to finally WRITE!

With blogging you get to meet all sorts of different people, and then you start to become one with them as you read into their lives and connect with their blogs, and soon you’re peeing into their souls and hearts and know things that people who don’t read their blog know nothing about.  It’s really hard to explain, but you form connections and friendships with these bloggers.

I honestly don’t even know how Julia and I stumbled upon one another, but we did…. her son has a heart condition – much different than Ella’s, but I think that somehow brought us together.  She also lived in Oregon.

Julia is one of those super supportive people that have a way of touching you.  When Ella overdosed, she was there for me.  When I lost my baby before Aliyah (we were due VERY close together) she was there with loving words for me.  She’s just the type of friend that you smile inside and are so thankful that you have her in your life…..even if it’s just through words online.

Julia’s 12 year old daughter was called home to her heavenly father in a VERY tragic accident regarding a sheet and a bunkbed.  She fell, and the sheet got wrapped around her and now her 2 loving parents, 5 siblings and an insane amount of other family and friends are grieving over her.

Julia has inspired me through her strength.  As a parent you can’t even begin to fathom losing one of your babies….it’s just something that’s unthinkable.  She has found a way to find the blessings through it, how a baby got a new heart valve, and a young man will walk again, and two people will now be able to see.  I don’t have many words to express my amazement at her strength.

Gino and I have had a very challenging thing going on this past week.  Something we’re sortof being mum about for the time being.  We’ve had to embark on an emotional roller coaster, and it’s involved every emotion from mad, to happy, to sad, to confused, to up in the air…. and right now we’re sitting up in the air playing a wait game that isn’t necessarily fun to play.  I’ve had my moments where all I’ve wanted to do is just break down and drop my faith and just be angry…. but Julia has inspired me to hold on and find the beauty and blessings in this – no matter what the outcome.

Oh, Fifty, Fifty, Fifty

*DISCLAIMER: IF YOU ARE A GRANDPARENT OF MINE YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST SKIP THIS ENTIRE POST – I guess grandparents and any LDS readers of mine that are easily offended by the subject of SEX and bleeped out words*


I almost don’t even know where to begin with my raving about probably the BEST series I have EVER read.  The Fifty Trilogy starts with Fifty Shades of Grey, then moves into Fifty Shades Darker and is finalized (I hope this changes) to Fifty Shades Freed.

This trilogy touches an area that most people might be uncomfortable to talk about, but lucky for you I. AM. NOT.  SEX!  Controlling, dominating, insanely delicious SEX.  This story follows a very successful dominating man who wants a very pretty girl that literally stumbles into his office as a submissive…. the journey between them is a journey that you literally cannot stop – no matter how badly you want to.  The dominating sex scenes will make you blush and at times have to walk away from your book, compose yourself and then find yourself rushing back to the book for more.

I can honestly say that my life is forever changed from this series.  I look at my marriage differently, my sex life differently –ACTUALLY SEX IN GENERAL DIFFERENTLY, and I think my husband is forever changed as well…. I honestly think he’s considering reading the series to fully be on my level.

This book is not just about sex – even though the kinky fu*%ery and the vanilla deliciousness in the book is AH-MAZING – there is a story, a journey, and a character development that is by far one of the best I’ve seen yet.  You go through fifty shades of emotions, which includes emotions that you probably have never experienced before.  Every aspect of this book right up to the very last page will stay with you probably forever.

Words of Christian Grey “We aim to please”  And pleasing me is exactly what he did!

Laters, Baby!

Don’t really have the words lately….

I got to a point with my little internet corner that I needed to get away from it.  It really wasn’t mine, and it felt wrong.  It never should feel that way, but when you have people merely coming to pick your posts apart, that’s sortof how it goes.

I’m hoping that my long {very long} blog break has given the people who aren’t really here to read the words I have to say and see how my family is doing a break of even thinking about dissecting my words….. hopefully they’re all gone for good!

SO I’m back.  I have no guarantee on my blogging schedule, or if I’ll even bring back Just a Motivating Monday, but I’m back.

I had this absolutely delicious break from school that I took the opportunity to read…. and read…. and read…. and READ!  I’ll have a blog post coming out on some of the amazing books I have been reading lately.  For those of you who have been googling What to read after Beautiful Disaster, I promise you’ll be happy.

I’ve been feeling at such a lost for words, which is weird to me – I have so much going on through my mind and heart, but trying to voice it all…. even through typing here is difficult.  I don’t know what’s going on with me here, but I think that also has something to do with me not updating my blog as often as I used to.  I used to be able to voice what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling – but right now it’s stuck.

So I’m okay – I’m alive, my kids are okay and alive.

And I have glasses.  SEE…..



Flat-Out Love

I’m adding a new little addition to Enchanting Havoc. I LOVE Goodreads and think it’s amazing that after I write a review about a book over there that it gives me the html to post it over on my blog. SO – you all get the exciting reviews that I’m going to be doing on all of the trashy, young adult books I’m highly addicted to! If are a member of Goodreads you can find me {HERE}

Flat-Out LoveFlat-Out Love by Jessica Park

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I really wasn’t sure what to think about this book in the beginning, but found myself excitedly drawn to it. I loved the Facebook status updates and messages – I knew that something else major had to be going down and that kept my interest. This book has a way to just knock the wind out of you as it all unfolds. There are tears, laughter and a beautiful romance that I couldn’t help but just LOVE! Flat-Out Love is a feel good, satisfying read!!

View all my reviews

Beautiful Disaster…. OMGoodness!!!!!!

Beautiful DisasterBeautiful Disaster by Jamie McGuire
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I don’t even know where to possibly begin with this book. There are so many emotions that have gone through me from when I first started this book to days after I finished.

Travis is hands down the man of my book dreams. The relationship between him and Pigeon drew me in to fall in love with him over and over again. It’s a rarity for me to find a book like this that totally captures me to the point of hardly being able to shake the feelings that I felt while reading it – even days after – Beautiful Disaster is hands down the most beautiful disaster I have ever read!

View all my reviews

Why we Homeschool

On Thursday I gave a persuasive speech on Homeschooling in my public speaking class.  I got such amazing feedback from both my teacher and my classmates, so I thought I’d share it here to not only get my readers to understand a little about why I homeschool, but why many others make this decision as well.

“They say it takes a village to raise a child. I’ve seen the village, and I don’t want them anywhere near my child.”

According to National Home Education Research Institute, in 2010 there were approximately 2.35 million homeschoolers and this number is growing at a rapid rate of 8% per year. A study done with homeschoolers showed that 90% were happy that they are homeschooled, and 80% will homeschool their children as well.

The needs of our children should always come first!  Children need to not have budget cuts affect their education, and budget cuts are making it so that there are less teachers and larger class sizes.  My son Jayden spent his 2nd grade year being moved from his 2nd grade class back to his 1st grade class due to budget cuts.  He was still in 2nd grade, just learning among 1st graders…. very weird!  When we have larger class sizes, kids are being left behind and getting confused, because a teacher with 30 students in their class CAN NOT give each child the individual attention that they NEED.

Children do not need to go to a place where they ever feel threatened by their peers and be expected to learn in the same threatening environment.  Bullying is a HUGE situation in all of our schools, and is a topic I could talk about all on its own, but while it’s a HUGE issue with why I homeschool, it’s not the only one.  When it comes to the teachers being able to ensure that their students are in a positive learning environment and monitoring how the students are treating each other, we have to question if this is even possible!  How can a teacher monitor this with so many students in their class?  A mere dirty look from a peer can upset a child so much that they don’t focus on a word the teacher is saying.

Homeschooling is the perfect alternative to these things that our children NEED.

There is no teacher in this world that will ever love and care about your child’s education more that YOU. That in itself gives you the tools that you need to homeschool your child.  Homeschooling your child gives you the means to train and influence them the way you see fit.  You don’t have to worry about them picking up values from a child who has parents that mentally abuses him – in which he then goes and does the same to others.  YOU get to be the influence in your child’s young life.  Through a homeschooling journey you will increase your family unity and closeness.  Your children will respect you more as not only their parents, but also as their teacher.  Your children will receive a better education through homeschool.  According to the Homeschool Legal Defense Association, homeschoolers outperform public school students in ALL subjects by 30-37% – that is HUGE.

You might think that homeschooling is too expensive and you can’t afford it.  Well, a study was done on 20,760 students and this is what was discovered:

· Parents that spend $199 or less – the students scored an average in the 80th percentile

· Parents that spend $400-599 – the students scored an average in the 80th percentile

· Once the parents spend over $600, the students do slightly better, scoring in the 83rd percentile.

The message is loud and clear here, more money DOES NOT mean a better education.

Social interactions are a huge concern with parents when it comes to homeschooling.  They fear that their children won’t be getting the “healthy” social interactions that their children need.  Through my experience, my child’s social life has progressed in ways I never thought were possible. In the public school system he had a negative social life, with kids who never treated him the way he should be treated. Through homeschooling I am able to provide a positive social experience for him through extra activities, play dates, and homeschool groups.

Just imagine the feeling you would have inside as you got to watch your child go from not grasping something in school and being the one to go step by step through the process and helping them to grasp it. YOU being the one to teach them. It’s an amazing feeling. You get to high five them, hug them and celebrate with a pizza party!  Imagine knowing every day that you are creating a positive environment for your child to learn and grow in. You don’t have to worry about them being bullied, influenced by the wrong crowd, or falling behind and being forgotten.

I would never ask for anybody to ever just dive into the world of homeschooling without doing their own homework to make sure that it’s right for their family.  I  gave you today some very important factors that not only have made up my decision, but the decision of many homeschoolers. There are many FREE resources for you to seek out like…..

· homeschooler blogs,

· books at the library,

· information on the Homeschool Legal Defense Association website.

READ on this subject and really educate yourself to be able to go out there and make the best decision for your child’s schooling.

Ghandi once said, “There is more to life than increasing its speed.”

So I challenge you, slow it down and let your children enjoy the ride of education.


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