My first SLAM – You Left Me

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to understand why we continue to be given the same challenge in life over and over again.

A challenge that I hate to go through,

A challenge I detest

We’re going through our 3rd miscarriage.

This baby wasn’t planned.

I was furious when I found out.

But then things changed – and I started to dream, and to love, and to hope.

But then I was left empty, I was left hopeless and my dreams were shattered.

I hate the pity,

I hate the difference towards me,

I hate how people think it’s better off avoiding me,

because they don’t know what to say to me.

Why can’t people just treat me normal?

I’m still me – just tainted with what some might see as some disease.

I saw the heartbeat up on the screen.  The amount of love that welled up in me was not what I had expected.

See, a baby with a toddler just seemed overwhelming, but I realized that my heart was sure enough growing.

I loved the pitter patter, and started to dream and then I got the news….

you left me

you left me empty,

you left me missing,

you left me dreamless,

you left me

So here I sit realizing that dreams change, plans dissolve, but life surely must go on.

I’ve found myself missing the three babies God took from me,

I’ve found my reasons to smile in the three babies God entrusted with me.

There’s nothing easy about losing a baby,

There is however an amazing amount of strength that you discover.

So, yes, you left me

you left me empty, yet full of love.

you left me dreamless, yet full of hope.

you left me missing, and this, my baby, will always remain.

I will miss you forever and love you the same.

 

I want to give a special thank you to {Colleen Hoover}, the author of Slammed & Point of Retreat – thank you for inspiring me to SLAM my feelings out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

12 comments to My first SLAM – You Left Me

  • ritaknits

    Oh, Amanda, I am so, so sorry. My daughter-in-law had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I was surprised at how it affected me, the sorrow. Hugs to you and yours.

    • I am so sorry that your daughter-in-law had to go through that. It’s hard on everyone that has developed love and feelings for these precious babies. Thank you for your words and hugs <3

  • Wendy

    My thoughts and prayers with you!

  • Wow. I’m so sorry for your loss. This was incredibly touching. I’ve been in your shoes myself and truly believe this Slam will reach a lot of people in more ways than you know. Thank you, Amanda for being brave enough to put this out there.

    • Thank you, Colleen. Thank you for inspiring me to put this out there. The next step is to actually perform it – or at least in front of my webcam. I really want to find a live slam to attend… how amazing would that be?! Have you been to one before?

  • Gino Garibay

    Very well put, I fell the same way I might not of showed it much but I felt the same way! Just don’t forget I love you with all my heart and our kids and our life! I wouldn’t change anything!!!

  • Oh Amanda, I just want to give you a great big hug right now. I’m so sorry, so very, very sorry. Having just gone through this in January, I know the hurt and the pain all too well. I have no words of solace, just know that my thoughts are with you and your family right now.

    • Thank you, sweet friend. Miscarriages are ridiculously horrible. I’m sorry you have ever had to experience one before. Thank you for your thoughts for my family <3

  • Fred LeBaron

    Amanda – My heart hurts so much for you, we’ve been through this too, and it is such an awful feeling of loss, that you expressed so beautifully and poignantly. Hope you continue to find healing and happiness down the road.

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