The Footprints on My Heart

Posted on February 12, 2011 by Amanda

I took these beautiful feet print of my absolutely precious, beautiful, sweet blessing of a baby girl Aliyah for my Valentine’s cards. I couldn’t stop staring at them and thinking……

I started thinking about when I lost Mya and how all I wanted was her feet print. I remember the doctor coming into the recovery room after the operation and telling me, “I’m sorry we just couldn’t get her feet print.” I felt at that moment that I had lost her all over again. I still yearn for her precious little feet print. I want to be able to look at them and see that she did exist. I want to see the little prints that walked along my heart and forever changed who I am inside.

I walked into my closet yesterday and stared at the velvet bag that contains a box which contains an envelope with the remainder of her ashes that didn’t get flushed down the toilet. I felt like I was struggling to breathe inside thinking about how my daughter is in a box. A box that sits next to my clothes. A box that I try to pretend isn’t there. A box I’m scared to death to even open.

The thing that brings some sort of peace to my soul though is that she’s not in that box. I know with every ounce of my soul that she is a part of our family and that one day I will be able to hug her and tell her the things that I want to say. I’ll be able to touch her face, run my fingers through her hair and tell her that she is just as much my daughter as Ella & Aliyah are. That while my life has continued on without her, I have never gone a day without thinking about her.

A few weeks ago Ella asked who Mya is. We just told her that she is her sister that’s in heaven, but I want her to know one day that Mya is her big sister who left this world so Ella could have a life in it, a life with us. I want Ella to love her.

I like to think and say that it gets easier with time. I don’t know, maybe it does. I am definitely a pro at hiding the feelings that are within my heart…. even from myself. On days that I allow the sting to sting I feel it, and it’s a wound that hurts just as much as the day I was told ~ her heart stopped beating.

……..I am so blessed for the two baby girls that I have been blessed with since the death of Mya along with their big brother. I am so blessed that I have these beautiful feet print to look at along with the feet they belong to, so that I can kiss them and kiss them some more.

An Essay for School ~ It’s all for a reason

Posted on September 28, 2010 by Amanda

I’m taking a writing class {English Comp} this term and am extremely blessed to have a professor that lets us choose what we write about. The assignment was no less than 150 words, but no more than 250 on a vividly capture of a poignant moment or experience in the life of the author, using a show not tell method.

Let me just start out by saying writing no more than 250 words on a subject coming straight from my heart was difficult. I’m almost wondering if I should have chosen this subject to write about for my longer paper ~ 500-750 words.

So, here it is ~ I’ll be submitting it in tonight so any feedback is GREATLY appreciated 🙂

I emerged out of the shower to see that stick sitting on the counter. That stick that was bound to heal my broken heart, it just had to. Looking down and seeing those 2 beautiful pink lines made my heart skip a beat.

It had only been two months since the agonizing news I had received at the doctors. “I’m sorry, there’s no heart beat. I’ll give you a moment to call somebody and then we’ll need to make arrangements.” Two short, agonizing months of having moments of not being able to breathe, not being able to fathom how I am not feeling my little girl kick away inside of me, of blaming God.

Those two beautiful pink lines stared back at me like a deer caught in headlights, or maybe it was me staring at them that way. Did I replace her? Am I wrong? Is God just making this tragedy better? These were only a few of the galloping thoughts going through my mind.

There were moments of feeling this tingly excitement surging through my body, only to have guilt wash over not even 10 minutes later. Feelings changing like clockwork just as the day turns into night. It was my own personal rollercoaster of a grieving mom; my own personal roller coaster of a thankful mom.

When the doctors placed my baby girl into my arms, a feeling of understanding came over me. I learned at that moment that everything in this life happens for a reason.

4th Myaversary ~ Heavy Image

Posted on September 7, 2010 by Amanda

Yesterday was our 4th Myaversary. 4 years ago yesterday we found out our baby girl was no longer alive inside of me. Hardest most excruciating pain I’ve ever experienced inside.

I talk about {Mya} often. She’s not something I’ve pushed under the rug and moved easily on with life. She is a part of me, and she is my daughter. A daughter I haven’t met yet, but a daughter I felt inside of me. She was growing inside of me, she kicked inside of me, she grew into my heart while she was inside of me.

We always send off balloons to Mya to heaven every year on our Myaversary. I don’t know why we’ve never taken pictures of the balloons we’ve sent to her before, but this year was a special balloon and we took a special trip for her.

This year I wasn’t sad like I am normally on our Myaversary. I think it has a lot to do with the if there was a Mya, there’d be no Ella. Mya served a beautiful purpose in mending a broken marriage. Mya served a beautiful purpose in bring a family that was so close to be broken to knowing what we mean to each other. Mya made a way for Ella to enter this world into a family that was a family. A family that was loving. A family that was stable.

Mya, I thank you every day for making our family what it is today. And that is something to celebrate. And this face right here, is a face of a little girl with pure joy and happiness in her heart…. and I couldn’t fathom a life without her in it.

Our trip to the Oregon coast was a fun trip, but the wind was horrible! Made it very unenjoyable for Ella, but I did manage to get this cute picture of my family

Ella spent the majority of the time screaming if I didn’t have her covered entirely in a towel to protect her from the blowing sand. Such a bummer, because the weather was BEAUTIFUL! Here’s my 2 wind blown babies.

This windblown baby loved everything about the trip…. loved the water, the wind, the birds to chase and I don’t post much about my Sophie girl… but here she is

and my wonderful husband managed to get this beautiful belly pic of me at 27 weeks pregnant with our newest baby girl that will be joining our family in December.

Then it came time to let go of the balloon for Mya ~ I found this special rose balloon, so I sent her off a Rose. You can click on the picture to make it bigger.

Our trip was quick, but it was a beautiful day. We celebrated what a beautiful little girl gave us, taught us and helped us become.

Mya,

I love you more than I’ll ever be able to explain. You will always be a special part of our lives, and we will always continue to celebrate our Myaversary. I know that you are with us, and that you watch over your little family. I know one day we will get to meet, and until that day I hope that I will continue to feel you around me.

I love you ~ Love, Mama

25 Weeks, 4 Days & what used to be a Due Date

Posted on August 26, 2010 by Amanda

**WILL EDIT TO ADD BELLY PICTURE & U/S PICTURE**

Today was my due date for the baby I lost in January of this year. It’s weird to me how both Ella & this baby’s pregnancy came right after the loss of another baby. Going to the doctor to find out that your baby has passed away is one of the most excruciating pains that I have ever experienced, and I’ve gone through it now twice.

I do believe that our trials and challenges in life help us to grow as a person. I do believe that while at the time of certain tragedies we don’t quite understand why, but I do believe there is a purpose. My first baby girl, Mya, who only made it to 18 weeks 4 days, mended my broken marriage. God sent her to us to bring us back together, since we had fallen so far apart. We were on the brink of divorce, and Mya changed that. She made it so that Ella was conceived out of love, out of a family that may have been broken at one time but because of Mya was stronger than it had ever been. Without losing Mya I’d have no Ella…. I can’t imagine. Ella has so much life, so much beauty to her.

The baby that was due today made it to 8 weeks. It grew to 8 weeks, I saw it’s heart beat, I started to love it. And then… it was taken from me. I cried, I mourned, I let myself feel the feelings I needed to feel, and then I talked to God. I told God I understand that there is a reason that this baby was not meant to say hello to this world. God knew what he was doing, because not even 2 months later he filled up my womb and my heart with this precious baby girl that I’m carrying now.

I haven’t blogged extremely much about this pregnancy. I haven’t taken weekly belly shot pictures this pregnancy. This pregnancy seems fake to me. I don’t know why, but I think the fact that I’m adding another beautiful member to my family doesn’t seem real.

A lot of times I’ll just be sitting here and I literally forget in my brain that I’m pregnant. Then, she kicks. She nudges me reminding me that there’s a little person inside of my body that will soon be filling up my heart with smiles and coos. She kicks and she nudges to remind me that SHE’S REALLY THERE and she’s going to fill up my arms in only a few very, short months.

Earlier this week we went to visit a friend who just had a baby girl. Everything about her was so little, so new, so precious. My children got to hold her. Ella got to hold her and watching Ella’s eyes light up warmed my soul to the very dang core! I cannot wait to see her with her baby sister.

We still have not named her. My babies are always named clear in the beginning of the pregnancy. This time, I just can’t decide. We have a few different options, Lyla Lee, Reese Lee, Amia Lee, Amia Reese ~ I have a feeling she won’t be named until we meet her.

I might not yet know this baby girl’s name, but what I do know is that she’s a part of me. She’s another piece to the puzzle of my family’s happiness. I do know that her arrival is being greatly anticipated by all of the members of her loving family that can’t wait to kiss her sweet face.

I’m 25 weeks and 4 days today. I’m feeling wonderful, I have my appetite back, I’m starting to really show. I think I’ve been getting emotional lately and might even have a tad of a mean streak in me, because things that didn’t bother me before irritate the crap out of me now. I don’t have much longer to go and then our home will be filled again with the beautiful sound of a newborn baby crying.

List of Randoms

Posted on August 10, 2010 by Amanda

Randoms ~ things going through my mind

~ I have become completely obsessed with cleaning out my garage. I think about it all day while I’m at work and every box I empty out I seriously feel like doing a happy dance.

~Once the garage is completely cleaned out I have plans on making a super awesome playroom since baby #3 will mean less room.

~I have found things while cleaning out my garage that are priceless and things I thought were lost…. Mya’s u/s picture. This might sound morbid, but I really wish that they would have printed out an u/s picture when we discovered that she had passed away. I wonder if it’s in my charts that the Sacramento office sent over to my Medford OBGYN. I just might ask. The u/s picture I found was from our first appt. There’s just a little sac, but she was in it and that is something I always want to treasure.

~Now that I’ve found her u/s picture I want to create a shadow box in remembrance of her. And get another urn necklace made w/the remainder of her ashes to put inside of it. I am so relieved that we still have ashes since Ella flushed my original urn necklace down the toilet…. That was a sad, sad day.

~I’ve also found my mother’s Book of Mormon from when she was a little girl. That to me is a priceless treasure.

~My daughter is turning 3 on Saturday. She’s overwhelmingly excited for her party on Saturday and I’m overwhelmingly excited for her! She’s anticipated this day for a VERY long time.

~I’m on my 3rd week of work. I’m surviving and I actually kind of enjoy it. The break from the house was probably much needed, especially with a new baby on the way…. But my heart definitely misses my kids.

~I had a prenatal appointment yesterday. Very uneventful, but those are the best in my opinion. I was in and out and won’t be back for another 4 weeks. Baby’s heartbeat was beautiful. On Sunday I will be 6 months pregnant! It’s flying by! Still have no morning sickness and have been feeling absolutely wonderful. About dang time!

January 18, 2010 ~ Another Day of Loss

Posted on January 20, 2010 by Amanda

There’s little things about that dreadful day a little over 3 years ago that I remember. The color of my shirt, the time of day, the lonely feeling I felt… things that will forever be burned into my memory.

Yesterday things are still vivid in my mine… I’m sure that the way they’ll stay. Some things will fade with time, but some I’ll forever remember. I remember the excitement my nurse had seeing back in there, the talking of Ella already getting the teenager attitude at the age of 2, the talking of Mya and how sad that was to deal with, the talking of my nurse’s tween driving her batty with her new teenager attitude. I remember waiting forever for my appointment and actually thinking to myself at one point…. it’s okay that I’m waiting, because it’s that much longer of being pregnant in case something goes wrong. Yes, unfortunately when you’ve gone through a loss as extreme as my loss with Mya you can’t help but think this way.

The doctor came in… I really do like her. She delivered Ella, my nephew, my cousin’s baby and she’s giggly and easy to talk to. We just talked about Ella’s heart problem… the possibility of this baby getting it, how hard it is to catch in the womb, and then……

the ultrasound machine came in. My uterus tilts to the back, so it was hard to get the baby on the screen, but we could see it. With as many pregnancies as I’ve had, as many ultrasounds I know what to look for. I know where the heart should be, and when I don’t see a flicker, I know there’s a problem. I looked at my doctor’s face and saw the concern… SHI*! Not again.

She turns it off after printing a weird picture for me, and tells me, well let’s just send you next door. That’s where the good ultrasounds are. Her’s sucked and she wasn’t sure if it was her angle. I knew. I had to wait for 45 minutes to get in to see if my baby was “viable” as the referral paper stated.

A couple walked in. At first I wanted to tell them to please let me go in front of them, because I just couldn’t take the waiting anymore….. I am here to see if my baby is alive. Then I saw her tears. Her drinking her water and her husband with the same glazed over look my husband had when we went to “confirm demise” {as the referral paper said} of Mya. That took my attention off myself real quick. I still had a chance. Even though for the past few days I’ve known that there wasn’t another soul in my body, because I felt something wasn’t right, I still had a chance. This girl did not. This girl was extremely pregnant, and all I wanted to do at that moment was hug her. Tell her that I know that what she’s feeling at this moment feels like you’ll never recover, but God will hold you. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t go to this stranger and hug her, hell… she didn’t know me. She doesn’t know why I’m in that room…. waiting to get the same news she’s about to receive.

She too was a patient of my doctor’s, and my doctor was not having a good day. 2 patients back to back with lifeless babies in them.

After that poor woman left the office bawling and feeling her entire world crash all around her, they called my name. It was time and I layed on the table, closed my eyes and didn’t want to watch. But I had to. I had to get that glimpse of my baby. It measured at 8 weeks 1 day, I should be 8 weeks 4 day, so that’s close enough that everything could be okay….. but nope.

No heart beat. Another baby gone. I don’t get it. I have a hard time grasping why God allows drug addicts to have babies, horrible moms who beat their children, and then there’s good parents who love their kids, care for their kids…. he takes them. I know, from experience that there is a reason. I know that had I not lost Mya I wouldn’t have Ella. I get that. But the whole process just down right SUCKS!

This was what went on that dreadful Monday, Januray 18, 2010. Not a very good start to the New Year, the new decade, but I have to hold myself together. I have to be strong and appreciate the beautiful blessings that God has blessed me with. There are woman out there who don’t have children and all they have is loss after loss after loss. I know that I can have another baby. After my loss with Mya I had a perfectly beautiful kindof healthy little girl Miss Ella. I say kindof healthy, because while she is one of the healthiest little girls she does have her heart problem.

I’m going to be okay. I think my main thing right now is I really don’t want to talk about it. When people call me I’d rather talk about life and things going on rather than my loss. There is nothing they can say that’s going to make me feel better or change what happened. So, people…. don’t be offended if I cut you off and don’t want to talk about it. I find my ways, twitter, blog world and unfortunately I feel more comfortable talking about it there. With woman who have been through this and strangely know what to say. I appreciate your prayers, your thoughts, but when we get on the phone please don’t talk about it. I’m not trying to be rude at all, it’s just something I’d rather not talk out loud about at this time.

Another Loss… Another Heartache… Another Trial… I Cling to HOPE

Posted on January 19, 2010 by Amanda

I’ve learned that God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle. I’ve learned that when you hurt so badly inside that you think you might not survive, you amazingly do.

One thing I hadn’t learned until today is that God can give you one excruciating thing to deal with more than once.

It’s been 3 years, 4 months, 1 week, 6 days since I lost Mya. Probably the worst day of my life.

Today marks day 1. Day 1 of losing yet another baby of mine. A baby that I wanted, a baby that I grew to love, a baby that I dreamed of, a baby that I planned on. Another baby that never said hello, and another baby I can’t tell goodbye.

I’m numb. I cried a lot today, maybe enough, because I can’t find anymore tears. I don’t want to talk to people. I haven’t even talked to my mom. I just know that there’s nothing anybody can say to me to fix this, to make me feel better. My baby is dead. In all honestly what I need right now is the normalcy of life. Maybe I’m in denial.

Tomorrow I’m dreading a bit. I’ll be put to sleep once again in order to have what used to be life growing inside of me taken out. I’ll come home with an empty womb, an empty heart, an empty soul.

But I also know that my life is going to go on. I have 2 beautiful children that embraced me with smiles and hugs and kisses all throughout today. I have a beautiful life, a wonderful husband, and I know that even though I might have a feeling hopelessness inside of me, there is hope. Hope is what I have needed to cling onto when I lost my little girl. Hope is what gets us through this life.

I have hope. I have hope that I will have another baby in my life again.

I don’t know how I will be feeling tomorrow. I will home with my empty womb, my empty heart, my empty soul, but I can promise you that I will cling on to hope.

I’m not ready to write about what happened today. Maybe tomorrow. But today I’m not ready.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Take a Moment… treasure your babies

Posted on December 15, 2009 by Amanda

Sometimes in life things just don’t go the way you planned them out. You may see things one way, and other people see them another. Maybe you’re right… maybe they’re right. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter.

Today in the havoc of drama that just makes my head spin and really question people that are in my life, a mother lost her baby. Her 2 year old son was ripped from her life in a horribly tragic way. It sure makes you stop and appreciate what you do have. I have embraced my kids and loved their smiles, their hugs and their giggles tonight. I’ve mourned with a woman I’ve never met, because that’s what our twitter and blog world does. We mourn together, we cry together, we get through life together.

Tonight…. I’m going to shut this computer, take a moment to treasure my babies, light a candle and say a prayer for Shellie @Military_Mom

And remember my baby girl in heaven

My Heart is Shattered…

Posted on December 2, 2009 by Amanda

It’s been 3 years, 2 months, 3 weeks & 6 days since my baby girl left me. Through this time I have always felt her close to me. I have a necklace and her ashes are in it. That necklace means more to me than ANYTHING. It’s the last thing I have of her. To some it might be creepy, but to me it is beautiful. On the front we had Our Angel Mya inscribed, on the back is the date we found out that she had passed 9/5/06. The inscriptions are beginning to fade. This is something I always envisioned cherishing all my life. I wanted to be buried with it.

Those who are close to me know how important this necklace is to me….

It’s gone.

Flushed down the toilet.

My heart is in shambles.

And I don’t even know how to describe the feelings I am feeling right now. Anger, sadness, fury, hopeless.

I was seconds away from saving it… I saw her in the bathroom holding that necklace and said “NO!” and went running as she chucked it in the toilet and flushed it…. I LOST IT! It felt like I lost her all over again. I feel like somebody punched me in my stomach.

I can’t be angry at her. She’s 2. She knew how badly it effected me when she saw me screaming and crying like somebody died. She started shooshing me and assuring me that Daddy will get it. And saying sorry over and over again. He won’t get it. He can’t get it. It’s gone. It took a huge piece of my heart with it.

I still do have some ashes of her’s in a box. But for some reason, it doesn’t feel like it’s the same. That necklace got me through losing her.

I just want it back.

Tonight My Heart is Heavy

Posted on November 12, 2009 by Amanda

Life is short. Boy is it ever so short. I talked on my blog a while back about my problems with my IUD and how I was going through hormone testing and the Nurse Practitioner that I was seeing was WONDERFUL. She was so nice, layed back, took the time to hear you out. I loved her! I just found out that in April she fell and slipped into a coma… and she never came out of it. Just like that, a wonderful person gone from this world.

Today is a little girl that will just melt your heart’s 2nd birthday. However, she’s not here to celebrate it. I’ve seen her pictures all over people’s blog and waited until today to finally head over to her mom’s blog and get to know sweet Maddie. Oh my goodness….. I sat here tonight reading her mom’s letter to her today and cried and cried and hugged my babies. One day she was here, the next day she was gone. Life is so short. And Maddie’s story really makes you stop, think and appreciate every moment that you are given with your babies.

To read all about Maddie… go {HERE} for her mama’s blog or {HERE} for her Daddy’s blog. I waited a really, really long time to suck it up and cry with them… but I’m so happy I did. I hope you too will go and become a friend of Maddie… she’ll melt your heart.

I have been so close to losing Ella, that stories like these crush me. I’ve been there…. I’ve actually sat there hearing them call codes on my little girl. At one point I thought she was gone… I know what it’s like to drop to your knees and pray that your baby won’t die…. and I’m so fortunate to still have her here. I can’t imagine what not only Heather & Mike (Maddie’s Mama & Daddy) but all of the parents in this world that have had to suffer the heart wrenching loss of a child have had to go through… and still go through every, single day.

My heavy heart can go on and on. I feel like I’m mourning a sister. I haven’t unleashed the drama that’s been going on, but I’ve decided to break my silence and talk about how I feel. My sister has turned into somebody that I do not like. Somebody who talks disgustingly and someone that I am ashamed to say is my sister. My sister wouldn’t act the way she’s been acting. But in the end I think I’ve learned something that I’ve always known. You turn into who you hang around. So, it’s so vital that you choose to hang around people that inspire you, challenge you to grow, and have virtue, values & morals. Because if you choose to hang out with anything less, unfortunately you will be less. I am in mourning, because things that have been said can’t be taken back. I have been challenging myself to personal growth, and during personal growth you need to ensure that you are not surrounded by people who hold you back, live negatively and have no virtue, values or morals, because the last thing you want to do is turn into them.

Life is short though, and I’m sad to say that I’ve had to accept the fact that my sister and my brother are both individuals that will always be stuck in their rut. Living a life that is not something to be proud of, and until they accept this and learn and grow from this they’ll never change. They will continue to always be hustling their way through life. A life without honesty, a life without morals…. it’s so unfortunate. But I have to remember that in order for me to continue with my personal growth I have to stay away from them. I have to look at the negativity they hold, the hate they hold, the evil they hold in them and pray for them. My brother is not someone that has ever had good in him. I’ve been through it all with him, and honestly feel quite secure in not being in his life. Anybody who can walk away from their own flesh & blood child and deny them is evil. My sister, however, I’ve always loved her. It’s unfortunate what’s happened, but I’m okay with it now. Yes, Jessica, I do check your myspace status, because I want to see how my niece and nephew are doing. The things you put on there lets the ghetto and trash in you shine on. I wish we could mend this crap we’re going through, but I’ve realized since it’s started that you are not a person that I want in my world… and fortunately I get to choose who’s in my world. I choose class, virtue, morals, and people striving to better themselves, which are things you don’t hold. I hope one day you learn how to.

My heart is heavy, but at the end of the day I have a wonderful husband that makes me happier than I ever thought possible. A son that never fails to put a smile on my face and warm my heart and a daughter that is and always will be my rainbow after the storm. My heart is heavy, but I love every thing I have in my life. I feel fortunate to have the blessings that continue to pour down on my family. I will continue to keep my prayers with those in this world that truly need it….. and I will continue to send my balloons to the people in heaven like Mya, my precious daughter who will always have a huge piece of my heart with her, Maddie, who has touched a world of people with her beautiful eyes and smile, and Karen… my nurse who woke up one day and didn’t know it was going to be her last.

Enchanting Havoc

Category Archives: Mya